Cake In A Blender

Waiting for Pizza

2012-02-03T09:22:00.000-08:00

I bet you didn't think you would see me here again. I'm not sure that I have the time to write such a specific scheduled blog. At the moment anyway. Sucks. I feel more comfortable here anyway. I've been sick all week and even missed class yesterday. I thought about calling in from work tonight but I'm only scheduled one day a week this semester. I think I can handle one night.

There are a few new things going on at the moment.

There is a new addition to my kitchen. The KitchenAid Stand Mixer. I haven't thought of a name for her/him yet. For now I'll call her Number One. I also finished painting the kitchen/dining area.

I am starting an internship on Sunday. I will be learning from the head pastry chef at The Pastry Peddler in Ann Arbor. It's a small bakery and sells mainly breakfast pastries and coffee drinks.

I'm excited to tell you that Granny is coming for a visit at the end of February. I have a week off of school so I bought her a bus ticket and she will be staying with Chris and I for four days.
I'm excited to take her to fancy places like Cafe Zola and the U of M art museum. She's excited for IHOP and White Castle. Nice.

Well, I think my Hello Faz is here, so until next time. . . :)

New Blog Starts Today

2011-11-15T04:49:00.001-08:00

So, My first post for my new blog is up today. It's sort of an informative account of culinary school with a little wedding planning thrown in here and there. Check it out! Food. Life. More Food.

I Exist

2011-11-07T10:17:00.000-08:00

Hello. So, I've been working on my new blog. Titles, color schemes, about pages. . . I'm hoping to have it up and running within the next couple of weeks. I'll post the address when it's ready! See you then!

New Blog Plans

2011-10-27T09:01:00.000-07:00

So, I've been thinking of a new blog. This blog is okay but I think it has run its course. I'm think of something with a different focus. Like I said before, a blog about life and food but with more focus on food. Perhaps a documentation of my journey through culinary school with hints of my home life but the focus will be on the delicious foods that I'm learning to create.

I've started a recipe journal, something my professor encourages, so perhaps that will give me some organization. I've been playing with the scheduler too. I wrote this post three days ago! Maybe I could have theme days with alliteration or something but organization is the key. Like Anthony Bourdain and Bigfoot say "A messy station is a messy mind."

Oh yeah! If I haven't mentioned before, check out Victoria Nouveau she always has something fun and wonderful!

Mrs. Armstrong can suck it! (Part 3)

2011-10-26T08:27:00.000-07:00

I was somewhat of an angsty teenager. I wore a lot of black and listened to Marilyn Manson. Now I've switched to navy blue and listen to the Polyphonic Spree. . . and Marilyn Manson. Anyway, growing up I had a dream of attending the University of Michigan and studying to be a music teacher. I carried this dream with me and when anyone would ask where I wanted to go to college I would proudly say "U of M." There was no other option in my mind, until Mrs. Armstrong.

Mrs. Armstrong was my high school guidance counselor. She reminded me of the ugly witch from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. She also had super light dyed blond hair and tanned way too often. When it came time to think about college, students would have a meeting with their guidance counselors to discuss their college futures. When I proudly announced that I would be attending the University of Michigan she pointed to her diploma on the wall and proudly announced:

"You want to go to U of M? I went to U of M! You wouldn't stand a chance."

She was an adult and a professional AND she had graduated from said college. She had to be right. U of M became a small dream in the back of my mind but never a reality. Until now.

When I returned home from school on Friday, I found a letter from the University of Michigan on the counter. It seems that they have a partnership with the college that I currently attend. They have invited me, based on my GPA, to attend classes. I still would like to find out more information about this. So yeah, Mrs. Armstrong can suck it!

Mrs. Armstrong can suck it! (Part 2)

2011-10-25T08:05:00.000-07:00

So. . . here's the essay that I wrote for English. Perhaps a small victory for some but I'm still riding the ego train.

There’s a grungy slice of New York in downtown Ann Arbor. Youmay have stumbled upon after a night at Scorekeepers or the Necto. The Pizzeria is a popular after bar hang out where the staff is entertaining andif you’re lucky, you might get a free slice. Dinner and a show.

Okay, so it’s not the slab of cardboard that you might get atBack Room pizza; nor is it the fluffy piece of Styrofoam that you get fromLittle Caesar’s. The Pizzeria is a family ownedNew York style pizzeria that prides itself on freshness, flavor, andconsistency. The family that owns The Pizzeria is originally from Molfetta, Italy butimmigrated to New York in the 80’s where they owned a small pizza shop. In1997, they relocated to Ann Arbor for reasons unknown and set up shop onWilliams street in the heart of downtown Ann Arbor.

Just like the often dismissed awning in front of the storestates, The Pizzeria sells New York style pizza by the slice. My favorite slice is thegrilled vegetable slice which is loaded with garlic, grilled marinatedvegetables,and cheese. Or try a slice of the ever popular buffalo chicken pizza? Freshchicken chopped and sautéed with Frank’s Red Hot surrounded by a secret mixtureof ooeygooey cheese. In fact, the cheese mixture is such a secret that the prepguys in the basement don’t even know what they’re shredding. The Pizzeria is evenrumored to have their water for dough shipped from New York.There are manyslices to choose from behind the glass but they remain the same day by day.

Perhaps the motto for The Pizzeria should be “Where the staff becomelazier as the night goes on.” After opening at 10 am, you’re likely to see afew muchachos, a nervous newbie, and an angry Italian yelling on the phone withan electric cigarette hanging from his lips. At dinner time there is a shiftchange and things start to get more interesting. You might find a staff memberor two leaning against the glass discussing their previous evening withexcitement. So much so that work place etiquette may go out the window. Thenthere is the bar rush crew. Most likely the same people that you saw at dinner,minus the customer service. If there is any rule that an The Pizzeria staffer must follow,it’s the Jenaphur Rule: Customer service applies until ten o’clock; after thatit’s prison rules. This rule was created after I fought with a self-proclaimedvegetarian who ate all but the crust of a Chicago three meat slice beforecomplaining that it wasn’t the eggplant slice that he ordered. So, pleaseremember what you ordered and speak up right away if there is a mistake. Also,between the hours of one and three in the morning, move promptly through theline and remember your slices or you may receive anything from a bang on thecounter or a tug on the shirt accompanied by a “Hey! Ralph Macchio! Keep theline moving!”

The Pizzeria has been named best pizza among University of Michigancollege students and sixty percent of the customers are native New Yorkers. Parentsleaving their children after move in week have even been known to have foodmade to be brought back to the Big Apple with them and at the end of the schoolyear you can find graduating students crying over their last tastes of Chickenand Pesto or Ziti Pasta Pizza. You can walk in any given night and see halfnaked U of M girls with Valley Girl accents ordering chopped salads. By the way,the muchachos hate chopped salads. If you can’t remember tonight’s theme at theNecto, just grab a plain slice, the most popular The Pizzeria slice, shake a little garlicsalt on it, and watch the customers that trickle in and out of the restaurantbetween eight and eleven pm.

The Pizzeria may seem like a strange place but the staff is or islike family and the food is quality. Also, Tuesday night is unofficial fightnight so come in and order an extra large pie and enjoy the show.

Mrs. Armstrong can suck it! (Part 1)

2011-10-24T08:05:00.000-07:00

Friday morning was a crap morning. I worked the night before and had class at 9. A test in my nutrition class. I slept in and missed the bus. . . twice. After giving up and falling asleep again, I woke up in time to make some changes to my rough draft for English and dash off to class. I walked into English late and plopped into a chair on the opposite side of the room. Fridays always suck. Luckily, the teacher decided not to give us the quiz that was scheduled in the syllabus. My day was starting to look up but I hadn't noticed it yet.

A few minutes later she began to hand back our essay packs from the week before. When she came to me she stopped.

"Jenaphur, are you feeling okay today?"

I looked up shocked and embarrassed, "Ugh. Yeah. I'm alright." As she handed back my essay, I cringed at the thought of what grade I would see. I thought my essay was crap.

"Well," she said as she handed back my essay "I thought your essay was excellent!" My head snapped up in shock as I heard her words and looked at the comment on the essay. "I could feel the grunginess of the pizzeria. I'm definitely going to eat there sometime soon! I might give a grade this high once or twice a semester! Keep working on your writing. In fact, if you didn't mind, I'd like to give it to the school paper to be published."

"Really??!! I don't know. I mean, really??"

"Think about it get back to me."

Yikes! Can you imagine the permagrin that I couldn't contain throughout class. It was great! Perhaps, my next post will be that essay. I'm definitely giving myself a mental pat on the back right now.

English class ended early that day and all we did were peer reviews for our next essay. My partner didn't have a rough draft for me to review, so I spent the whole class doodling in my notebook and looking at my phone.

Friday was a nice day and even more happened that was awesome but you'll have to wait for that. Come back in a day or two to find out! :) You'll also find out why Mrs. Armstrong can suck it!

We like to take pictures of food. It's not a sex thing.

2011-10-17T08:43:00.000-07:00

Chilli Con Carne

Chris' Pie Dough

I'm really enjoying fall. I've had this warm and fuzzy feeling for a couple of weeks. It's different than I'm used to feeling, so it's kind of scary.Normally I would try to fight and analyze these strange feelings but they feel nice so I've decided to just relax and enjoy them. Of course, a little anxiety and depression seeps through the cracks every so often but it doesn't seem to last.

Chris and I haven't had much time together because we have opposite schedules. When I'm nodding off on the couch after a shift at the pizzeria, he is rushing off to work. (I've decided to call it "the pizzeria" now. It sounds better.) When I'm catching the bus to class, he is finishing his shift at the hospital.The little time that we do have together, we make sure to fill with delicious foods.

We made a delicious chilli con carne on Saturday. We thought it could have been hotter.

Spinach and Muenster Quiche

A couple of months ago, I bought a dining set. Yikes! It's nice to sit at the table and eat delicious foods and talk about our day. We invited Chris' dad over for dinner last night. There's that feeling again. Yikes! I like Chris' dad, he's a good listener and pays is aware his audience when he's talking. Those are hard qualities to find in a person. Although, when he thinks he right, nothing will change his mind. He wondered why we were taking pictures of the food.

For dessert, we had galettes. They're tasty and since learning how to make them in pastry class, they've become a constant find in the fridge.

New Addiction: Food Blogs

2011-10-10T09:34:00.000-07:00

Right now I'm taking two hands-on culinary classes: Pastry I and Basic Cake Design/Wedding Cake Design. Coming home with ten pound bags of flour and sugar along with bricks of butter have become the norm in my house.

I have the same professor for both classes and she gives us recipes for everything from Royal Icing to Spinach Pie. She encourages us to try different recipes at home to find what is tastiest and most convenient to us. I've found a lot of delicious recipes posted on food blogs.

The Girl's Guide To Guns And Butter is a good one. I love the photography. In fact, the photography is my main motivator when choosing a food blog. Have I mentioned that I think food is a beautiful thing?

Somebody drew this on the bathroom wall at school. Reminded me of Ven. <3

The Pioneer Woman Cooks! is another.

I've always had a problem with writing about myself. Maybe I could write about food. I mean, I am in the process of making it my profession. Makes sense, right??

So, I guess I'm sort of thinking about starting a food blog. I've read a little about it. So, life and food. . . but mostly food. What do you think?? :)

Mental Health Day

2011-09-29T12:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I took a mental health day. I've been feeling increasingly anxious over the last couple of weeks. I know something's wrong when I start hiding in my apartment. Peeking through the blinds. Yesterday was a good day though.

I decided that I needed a day where I didn't have to think about work, school, bus schedules. . .
I wanted to make delicious galletes just like the galettes that I made in Pastry. They sell whatever we make in Pastry so we don't get to taste much. I really wanted to try these. Maybe this weekend.
I've been feeling trapped in Ann Arbor lately, and homesick. I decided to make pasties, a Yooper classic. (That's right. I said Yooper.) I made a trip to The Produce Station. I love shopping at The Produce Station!

The last pasties that I made were a little dry, so I tried a new recipe. I pre-cooked the filling and made puff pastry for the shell. I have to say that I'm proud of my first attempt at puff pastry. It's definitely an all day project. It was one of those rare days spent enjoying my solitude. I usually spend my time alone lost in the thoughts that make me feel angry. The things that become my little obsessions.

My current dilemma: Andy is getting married on Saturday. Why should I go? Chris is in the wedding party. Why do I not want to go? I can't watch a visibly pregnant woman get married without getting on my soap box. "Where is your self-respect!?" How about it's sad to watch a couple of dumb kids do what they want, which will most likely end in divorce, without thinking about their unborn child. I keep telling myself to stay for the ceremony because that's the Chris part, the rest of it is none of my business. It's hard for me to stand by when I think a child will be harmed, whether it's in or outside of the womb. Kirsten asked me to work for her all day Saturday. That's my excuse but I know that I should stay for the ceremony.

I applied for a job at The Produce Station a couple of days ago. It's not anything fancy and I would most likely be making less money that I do at the pizza place. The pro's: The hours are better; It's a weekend job and the hours are during the day. No more working until 4 am! Discounts on delicious, organic, locally grown foods. My inner food snob is loving it! It's kitchen experience, so it will look good on my resume'. It's a short walk from my apartment. NO MORE BUSSES. . . unless I'm feeling really lazy. :)

Work Sucks

2011-09-17T05:02:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a lot lately. I'm taking four classes and working 25 hours a week but I think that's normal for a full time college student that has to work. Right? The problem is that I work until 4 am three nights a week and my work schedule is right in the middle of my school week.

I'm glad to have weekends off. That's my time to do homework, hang out with Chris, and run errands. I'm not very good at this whole scheduling thing. I have three different calendars. One day planner, one on the fridge, and one on my phone. Okay. So perhaps I'm a little neurotic about keeping track of things.

I have worked at the pizza place for one and a half years. I like my job and when I'm there I'm happy that I have my schedule. I work one eleven hour shift and two six hour shifts. I also really like the people that I work with: Kirsten, Uma, Giovanni, and NewYorkGuy. Of course there are the drivers and kitchen guys. I haven't taken a vacation yet. I've been trying to plan a trip to the Sault but money, transportation, and scheduling have been in the way. In fact, planning a trip to Chicago would be easier.
Anyway, the things that suck about my job are the main owners lack of respect for their employees among other traits and a lot of the customers and despite that I still like and have sort of friendly relations with those people.
When working a closing shift I have to be a little more direct with my customers. Sometimes just mean. So, I as the night goes on I become more and more angry. By the end of my shift I'm always pissed off but lately I've been compelled to quit my job. I think I need a vacation.

Chris and I are going to a football game today. Michigan vs. Eastern. That should be fun. He'll wake up soon and we'll spend the morning drinking coffee and Bailey's while eating Nutella and toast, then we'll take a short walk up to the field. Our plns were almost foiled when I recieved a call from Sal yesterday saying that I had to come in and work. I'm proud because I stood up for myself but the way I went about it was an overreaction.
At the beginning of August I gave Sal my Fall school schedule, my availability, and how many hours I could work each week. When he told me that I had to work on Saturday, I told him that I couldn't work on Saturday, that I had plans. He gave me his usual "I don't give a shit!" That's when I became angry. "I gave you my availability, school schedule, and how many hours I could work a week for a reason! I'm not working on Saturday and don't call me when I'm in the middle of a class!" Yeah. I think I need a vacation. Thankfully I wasn't fired on the spot. Sal just said "Okay. Whatever." and hung up the phone. I'm still going to the game but I feel guilty about the way that I acted.

So, that's my story and here's a picture of my new tattoo.

Dear Readers...

2011-09-13T19:24:00.001-07:00

I know I've been neglectful but I plan to post something within the next couple of days. For now, I'll leave you with a little basketweaving action.

I Usually Hate Uniforms

2011-08-30T05:48:00.000-07:00

So. . . I just wanted to show you the hottest thing in my closet right now:

I didn't think that I would have to buy uniforms yet but it makes sense being that I have two classes in the kitchen.

I was planning on going to driving school this semester, possibly buying a car, but with the cost of books and uniforms being almost $1000 I think I'll have to put that off for next semester. Maybe I'll still be able to go to driving school. I have to order a replacement birth certificate from Ontario before I can renew my driving permit which takes about eight weeks. I've been a little down about that but there are other bills that I could catch up on that would help me in other ways. Wish me luck! I can't wait to make delicious pastries at home! :)

In The End, This One Made Me Smile

2011-08-29T06:08:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling. . . sad and anxious lately. There are occasional hints of happiness. Can you tell?

Chris gave me a ring the other day. (Not the ring in the picture.) I came home from my first day of school to flowers. I came home from my first day of school crying as well. Why? You know why. I'm a little embarrassed to put that in typing anymore.

It was just the flash but perhaps there is something symbolic about this glowing box.

There was no romantic proposal. Chris shoved a box into my hand and said "Here. This is for you." I had an idea what it was and then came the guilt and more tears. I refused to look in the box until the next morning. I still had to ask if there was any meaning to this ring. His reply: "I know that you're Kirsten got a pretty ring from her boyfriend, this is not the one that I wanted to get for you, but they don't have what we have. We have something more."

Now comes the explanation of the ring shown above. The ring that Chris bought for me was too big. I couldn't wear it. Any sudden hand movements and it would have flown off. So, with Chris' permission, I took it back to the store and then went somewhere else to buy something else. More guilt. I bought this guy at JCPenny. It was 85% off. I feel like those women that buy themselves flowers and says that her non-existent boyfriend gave them to her. Also, I feel like it's too pretty for me. Didn't I say that I would prefer something small and inexpensive? More guilt.

There is also that nagging feeling in the back of my mind that he gave me a ring to shut me up. Not that I've been complaining about these things a lot. He just happened to walk into the pizza place as Kirsten and I were sitting at a booth. She was trying to pick the right color nail polish to match her ring, I was gazing longingly at it. Yeah. Pretty pathetic. I didn't think I would ever feel so strongly about wanting a piece of jewelry.

So, I'm engaged. Shouldn't I be happy? I'm keep telling myself: Suck it up Jenaphur! You got what you wanted, so what's your problem?! Be happy! Enjoy this stuff and show that ring to everyone you can! IT'S WHAT YOU WANTED SO WEAR IT WITH PRIDE!

As I was waiting for the bus home yesterday, I saw Arnulfo. One of the Muchachos that preps for the pizza place. I LOVE ARNULFO! When I started working at the pizza place he was the only Muchacho that would talk to me. In fact, despite his poor English and my poor Spanish we've always communicated well and he's been nothing but kind to me from the beginning. I always remind everyone that there is a special place in my heart for Arnulfo. (Side story: Arnulfo is from El Salvador. He just recently returned from a six month stay there. I'm pumped that he's back!)

Anyway, I was at the transit center and Arnulfo walked by. "Hola Arnulfo!!!" I shouted. He smiled and walked over. I was nervous but decided to show him my ring. He looked at it, smiled, and said "Very nice Jenny!" He looked at it again and his eyes grew, as did his smile. "Ohhhh! Congratulations Jenny!" I love that guy! :)

Now that You Know I'm Sufficiently Crazy

2011-08-26T09:12:00.000-07:00

There is a part of me that wonders if I've become a tyrant in my home. More of me is okay with this but there is underlying guilt. I've never wanted to be the type to dictate who is brought into my home. I feel like I'm regaining control of my environment whereas in the past I've felt second to guests in my home. My home. I keep reminding myself.

I recently found out that Chris went to a concert in Detroit and didn't tell me. Since I found out this little tidbit, I often wonder what he's doing. What he's lying to me about. Yesterday he reffered to Andy as "He Who Must Not Be Named." Like Voldemort?, I wondered. Does he think that I'm afraid of Andy? I'm not. It's getting harder for me to keep my cool around him. I'm afraid that I might say something and he'll not want to be around Chris. I'm sure that there is some resentment about not allowing Andy to be around when I'm around. Chris has told me that he has ousted Andy from his life. I'm sure that he's trying to make me feel guilty. Is it okay that I don't want to experience obtrusive thoughts?

Andy's presence triggers memories that I try to avoid like the plague. Avoiding him is comparable to the way I avoid looking at the way many men tie their shoes. When people throw their arms up to signify confusion. The phrase "One for the road." Marlborough Lights. The smell of Gain laundry detergent.

I don't want to be around Andy. I know how Chris feels about him and I've expressed over and over that I want Chris to spend as much time as he can with Andy but I won't tolerate anyone disrespecting me in my home. I've told him that I would spend time away from the apartment if he wanted Andy to come over. That he could always take the bus to visit Andy. He says that there isn't enough time. The bus doesn't run long enough? I've also told him that I'm willing to be flexible and I've given him options and I'll stick by those options. I won't feel guilty though. I'm trying not to feel guilty.

It seems to me that those around me are progressing in their relationships. I constantly wonder if mine will ever take off. I often wonder what might be wrong with me that makes my partner not want to progress. I'm not wondering these things just about my current relationship but what about my past relationships. I was with someone for five years and he didn't even want to live with me. So, it must be me?

It's not all bad though. There was a point in my life where I wasn't thinking about relationships and progression. At that point I had totally convinced myself that no one would ever want to be with me. That I wasn't attractive to anyone in any way. I didn't care. It was a strange sort of happiness. Sort of a detached happiness that masks that constant wonder. I'm trying to achieve that again. I think I'm halfway there.

Mental Pictures

2011-08-23T11:11:00.000-07:00

I've told you about the program that my therapist wants me to try. Sort of. It's based on a book and includes a lot of writing exercises. I meant to scan what I have done and post for all to read. Unfortunately, she kept what I have already shown her. I can get a copy though. Here is what brought this on. . .

As you know, I have had problems with Chris' brother, Andy. I find him offensive and disrespectful. I have tried to tolerate him but there is something about him that I can't get past. I'm not exactly sure what that is but these days I prefer to stay away from him as best as I can.

A couple of weeks ago he and his girlfriend came over to play disc golf with Chris. Chris tried his best to schedule the pick-up before I returned home from work. Unfortunately, Andy has no regard for the schedules of others and showed up two hours late. I had been home for a few minutes when they arrived. As soon as I saw Andy I became dizzy and couldn't concentrate.

I was trying to ignore him and keep my cool. They would be gone soon, right? Not so. Chris invited them to stay and watch Jeopardy. Before they left, we all went outside to smoke cigarettes. His girlfriend (ahem. Fiance') is pregnant and starting to show. When he pointed this out to me my face wrinkled in disgust and I let out a combination "ugghhh" and shiver. He noticed. The thought that anyone would choose to procreate with him makes me sick. While we were outside, something happened to me that had not happened in years. Well, not this bad.

I generalized Andy. This wasn't just any normal generalization though. Kind of hard to explain. I'll put it in steps.

1. Something in my mind tells me to be aware. Kind of like getting a weird feeling but stronger.
2. My body gives me a signal like a stomach ache or the smell of berries.
3. If I still don't leave the situation, my body physically becomes numb and mentally I'm in a daze. I can see what is going on around me and act accordingly but mentally I'm somewhere else.

4. I start losing time.
5. I start to have mental images of the rapist. If I let this happen for too long, I start to get confused about what is going on in my head and what is really happening.

I occasionally get to step 4 but not too often and not for too long. I rarely get to step 5. I remember the last time and it was about two years ago. The time before that, a year and a half. I always think of the part in Jurassic park where the boy watches the water rippling in the glass as the Tyrannosaurus Rex gets closer. So, I got to step 5 the last time I was around Andy and for the sake of my mental health he is not allowed in my home when I'm here. I feel guilty and selfish about this but you my reasoning. My home being my safe place and all. This is a long post. Stay tunes for Part 2.

Letter To My Co-Workers

2011-08-22T11:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Co-Workers,

The Fall schedule has not been made yet. I start classes on Friday and my eleven hour shift starts right in the middle of these classes. I really don't want to lose my job but school is very important to me. Please consider giving up a night of drunkenness and possible mind-blowing sex with a stranger that wants to get away from you the next morning just as much as you want to pretend last night didn't happen.

What can I offer you? Unfortunately, I don't offer or accept cash from co-workers for these favors. I know that cash is the norm but I'm s stickler for the good old fashioned "You Scratch My Back, I Scratch Yours" policy. I can offer to cover for you the next time you're in a pinch or just want to get back that long gone Friday night, but please can you make it a Saturday? Or I can make you a delicious cake from scratch. Please see the books shown in the picture below for your cake choices.

Thanks,

Jenaphur

And It Only Took Seven Weeks

2011-08-11T05:52:00.000-07:00

I went to therapy yesterday, skeptical that anything would be accomplished. For the last seven weeks I have listened to this woman speak. She has cut my appointments short due to her scheduling conflicts. When I went to my appointment yesterday, the receptionist had no record of it. I was pretty pissed off and almost in tears when I finally started my session 30 minutes late. I had been thinking for the last two weeks "You can't even get a therapist to listen to you AND THAT'S HER JOB! What good are you?"

When we sat down in her office she apologized for the confusion and I couldn't hold back my tears any longer. She asked if it had anything to do with the appointment mix-up. I told her that it did, a little, but that there has been something weighing on my mind for quite a while and had been effecting me in a bad way. (That will be my next post but you probably can guess what the topic is.)

She just happened to get a new book about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. She gave me the first Chapter and although the book is a ten week program, she wants to go at my pace. The program includes a lot of writing and incorporates mindfulness. With PTSD a girl can become caged within her mind and if that becomes a common behavior, she may not even notice it.

She says that a lot of people have made choices for me based on what they want and that I have to find my own voice and speak up for myself. That when I'm talking to people I kind of talk into my lap. I'm talking to myself because I think that nobody listens and I have to learn self-respect and demand respect from others. She also mentioned that for our past sessions that she has done most of the talking and that I could have told her to shut-it anytime. There's that lack of self-respect again. She assured me that she will be my biggest advocate.

By the end of our half hour session, I was feeling much better. Nervous but hopeful and not feeling so alone.

2011-08-09T06:51:00.000-07:00

I just thought you should know that I'm steam drying my dishes as I blog. Very sanitary. Life is good in this new apartment. I went swimming twice yesterday. Initially, I was nervous for anyone to see me in very little clothing but once I was in the pool I felt like a kid again. I loved swimming as a kid. We lived near a pool and Granny would take me swimming two or three times a week. Unfortunately, the pool here is an outdoor pool, so there is about a month of swimming left. I can already tell that the temperature is cooling.

The transition was stressful for cats. They wouldn't leave my side for days, especially Mercutio. He's starting to relax though. As for Chupacabra, he chose the fireplace for his safe place. I had to scare him out of it a couple of times but I think he gets that the fireplace is not a safe place for cats. Now he shows his discomfort by peeing next to the litter box instead of inside of it. Thank Confucius for tile floors, although something must be done to prevent such behavior. Any suggestions??

I took my final exam for Comparative Religions yesterday. I'm thinking, for the class, low A or high B. I was walking home from the bus stop and stumbled upon a wonderful place: World Market! Sort of like Orchid Lane (Ann Arbor Hippie Fair Trade Store) meets Big Lots meets liquor store.

I lurve Arrogant Bastard Ale! It's tasty, super alcoholic, and fun to order!

Vens love chocolate wine!

They have everything! Wine, furniture, dishes, clothing! I really must "World Market" my apartment! I felt guilty walking out empty handed. I had $11, so I bought gnocci and pasta sauce for dinner. They even had a paella kit complete with ingredients, pan, and spatula for $20! As soon as I have extra cash, a World Market shopping spree is mandatory!

Virtual Tour

2011-08-02T08:44:00.000-07:00

Here is my new apartment!

By the way, Texas Chainsaw Massacre:New Beginning wasn't very good. Definitely gory though.

Moving Day

2011-08-01T02:39:00.000-07:00

So, today is moving day. I should be fast asleep with dreams of 24 Hour Fitness Room and central air in my head but it feels like Christmas and I'm waiting for Chris to wake up so that we can start moving! And the complex doesn't open until 9.
Here are some pictures:

If I could I would start walking boxes over right now. Kind of reminds me of a story. . .

My first apartment was a horrible place. It was within walking distance to stores, bars, and well. . . that's all anyone could need nearby when living in a place like Sault Ste. Marie. Despite it's location, it was small and there had been a few break-in attempts. One that I watched through the peep hole as it was happening. One of my neighbors. So yeah. It was time to move.

After about a month of searching I found a 2 bedroom flat in a nice neighborhood for about $70 more than I was paying at the time. There was no lease and a laundry room in the kitchen. High ceilings. . . big windows. . . sexy neighbor. . .

Knowing that I would be excited to move and that my helper would be arriving later in the morning, I borrowed Tabitha's sled. I woke up bright and early loaded up my coffee pot, a few dishes, my stereo, and anything else I could drag through the snow.

It spent the morning drinking coffee and basking in the square footage of the flat. Cats loved it too!

What? I have a camera phone?? No!!

2011-07-27T12:34:00.000-07:00

So, the art fair ended on Saturday. Thank Master K'ung! Art Fair week always feels like a battle. It's a never-ending week long bar rush! The differences: The people aren't drunk, they really are assholes, and I still have to be nice to them. Adults! Sober adults who can't wait two minutes for a slice! Have I ever mentioned the Jennifer Rule? The Jennifer Rule states that before 10pm counter staff must be kind and courteous to customers. After 10pm it's prison rules. The rule resulted from a fight that I got into with a customer who claimed to be a vegetarian. He ate all but the crust of a HAM, SAUSAGE, and PEPPERONI Chicago slice! Said fight also resulted in a dented pizza oven door.

This is only my second art fair. I assume that every year will be the same. It is an endurance challenge and there will be a new addiction. Last year's challenge: the customers. This years challenge: The Heat. It was in the high 90's, and sometimes in the 100's, all week and I had this cold/congestion thing going on. What kept me going? The healthy daily regimen of Nyquil, Alavert, Tylenol Rapid Release, and Naked Protein Shakes.


We shared our tent with this guy. He gave us free snow cones.

Last year's addiction: Fresh Squeezed Lemonade and Elephant Ears. As a child going to the fair or carnival was hit or miss. Granny liked to walk around but we didn't have any money for rides or treats. She would give me a dollar to play a game here and there but nothing beat the sweet sugar cinnamon smell of elephant ears.

Last year Chris bought me my first ever elephant ear. Maybe it was two years ago. Oh man! Deep fried ecstasy!

This year I fought with Kevin James over the art fair schedule. He wanted me to work everyday during all of the art fair hours! I told him that Friday afternoon I could only work until three. No later! Friday afternoon I was pumped and ready to leave. At about 2:55 it started to rain and people started zipping their tents closed. Chris met me and we stood under an awning for 10 minutes. I pouted while he tried to keep my spirits up. "M! We're never going to get an elephant ear! HM!"
After a few minutes and the rain let up enough so that we could run a block over and get an elephant ear. He ran into the bathroom and I ordered a lemonade and an elephant ear with cream cheese on top.

So, my favorite part of the art fair? Standing in the rain enjoying an elephant ear and lemonade.

This year's new art fair addiction??

Gelato. Lemon Basil, Strawberry Cheesecake, Strawberry Rhubarb, Bourbon Vanilla. . . Oh gelato.

It Isn't Art and It Isn't Fair

2011-07-20T04:32:00.000-07:00

So, I haven't posted in a while. I like to try and post at least once a week. A couple of my classes ended last week, so I was busy studying and finishing papers and things of that nature.

This week is just as busy, if not worse, because this week is the Ann Arbor Art Fair. Did you know that during Art Fair week Ann Arbor's population more than doubles. I'm told that it is the biggest street art fair in the country. I'll be working days at the pizza place all week, although I did fight with Kevin James to give me a half day on Friday so that I can get an elephant ear and a lemonade. Mmmm. . .

When we meet again in a week or so what should I post about? Anything that I've forgotten? Any curiosities?

Here's what I'm thinking about:

*Moving
*Fall Classes
*Fun with Mary

See you soon!

Rocky 5 Doesn't Count

2011-07-12T05:51:00.000-07:00

Here is the floorplan of my new apartment:

Initially, I was a little disappointed because I wanted two bedrooms so I could have an office/guest room/fortress of solitude but, with 140 more square feet than I have now, I think I'll manage. :) It's not set in stone yet though. I called to check on my application status yesterday and the secretary said that my application was approved but that her manager still had to sign off on it. She told me not to worry about that. I've paid a deposit and signed everything but the lease.

I'm starting to feel like Rocky when he makes it to the top of the steps. (I'm a sucker for the Rocky movies.) I had a realization this morning: I'm going to be the only one on the lease. This is my apartment. No one else's. I could move in alone if I really wanted to! I can hang nothing but art on my walls if I want! I can't paint the place purple if I feel like it!

Of course I'm not moving in alone so I'm going to have to suck it up and be tough. I have to create some sort of bill paying system or something. I also have to be tough enough to say "This shit gets paid on time or else you have to leave!" I think I should make some rules about pot in the house too.

Pot has been a touchy subject on occasion in this household. I was raised in a house were there were never drugs. It wasn't even a thought. No liquor, no crack, no pot. Only cigarettes, and that wasn't until I started smoking as a teenager. As far as I know, in Chris' childhood home, pot was a staple. Like bread or milk. Not having it around wasn't a thought. Now that he is older nothing has changed for him. We fought the other morning because he said that he couldn't afford our current place. I brought up the steady supply of pot that he's had for a while, telling him that if you can't pay bills but you can still buy pot then you have a problem. It's called addiction. I don't mind having it around, if we can afford it, but until the bills are paid, it is not allowed in this house. Our utilities were paid up within a few days.

I think that my biggest annoyance with Ann Arbor is the pot obsession that everyone around me seems to have. I'm not saying pot is a bad thing. I like to indulge, I prefer the edibles, and I believe that it helps those who need it. I'm an advocate for medical marijuana, although I'm told that they will give anyone a card. I've though about getting a card. I know a guy who legally grows and is looking to expand. He said that he would cover half of my costs, $125, to make him my caregiver. I'm still undecided. My fear is that if it becomes too accessible in my household that it will become a problem.

Blah! Blah! Blah! Who cares! I'm getting a new apartment!

Or Should I Say "Thank Lao Tzu"

2011-07-11T03:12:00.000-07:00

I'm supposed to be doing homework right now. I just read Ven's latest post. *hugs* I've always been a last minute homework kind of girl. Thank Allah for a flexible professor. She says that we have until midnight on the day that our homework is due to email it to her. I find the homework simple, yet challenging. We have to read the assigned chapter, Taoism, make up an essay question and write three pages on it. I'm pretty decent at essay questions, I think I can bullshit me way through if I have to, but making up the question is the hardest part for me. I was going to ask "Is Taoism Passive? Explain." Then I turned the page and the first line reads "Is Taoism passive? No." I've noticed that since I started college, I put too much thought into what my teachers expect. I need to relax and not try to read too much into things. Isn't that what Taoism is all about?

There are a few things I would like to blog about that happened this week. Unfortunately, right now I don't have the time to do so. Homework, homework, homework. I still have math to finish up for tomorrow and a Sanitation presentation due tomorrow evening. I still have to make my powerpoint. Ugh! I've also made plans to go to the bar with a girl from work tonight. I'm somewhat excited about it but I don't anticipate anything actually coming of it.

Anyway, things to write about this week:

* Apartment Hunting (part 2)
* Jealousy (part 3)
* Hanging out with Mary (tenative)
* Work Things (tenative)

See you soon! :)

Apartment Hunting

2011-07-07T03:10:00.000-07:00

So, I've been apartment hunting. It's discouraging. . .no. . . it's just got me thinking about my relationship. Of course.

So, Chris and I went to look at an apartment over a week ago. I really liked it. Two bedrooms, washer and dryer in the apartment, decent location of Ann Arbor. We filled out our applications and the landlord seemed positive saying that all he had to do was check with our current landlord to make sure that we weren't behind on rent.
I was confident that we weren't behind on rent because I had paid through July and had even paid an extra $500 on the account because our gas gets charged to the rental account and I wanted to cover some other fees that I wasn't aware of. . . until I got a call from the realty company and the person we are subleasing from saying they were going to sue because of a past due account.
So, in giving enough money that should have covered me beyond the end of our lease, I was confident that we would be approved for the apartment. I emailed the landlord when I received the other half of my financial aid to set up an appointment to sign a lease and pay rent and security deposit. He emailed me back saying that he called our current landlord and they said that our rent was past due. He said he would rent to us if I could give him a good reason as to why our rent was past due.

That sucks. If I wasn't discouraged about getting an apartment already, well, I'm ready to give up now. I found a couple of reasonably priced apartments run by the same company, Mckinley. Sure, not as close to downtown Ann Arbor as I would like but they were a good price and they had just what I'm looking for. Two bedrooms, dishwasher, space! Tons of space!
Originally, I had applied to one of these complexes but after finding and looking at a sublease at another location, I applied to the second.
I received a call from a representative at each location. They both said that Chris and I had met the income requirements but that Chris had previously rented from them and that he needed to clear up a few things. Our applications were tentatively denied. He owes them $2,000.
I thought our search was over. I could visualize moving in to my nice new fancy apartment. We were approved. . . almost. UGH!!! So, now I'm considering finding a place on my own. I contacted the complex representative to see if I might be approved for the same, or smaller place, on my own. Without Chris. Just me. She said that she didn't think so considering I'm already shacked up with someone who owns them money and they couldn't trust that I wouldn't bring him in there. (She half right. I was debating about that.) She'll have to talk to her manager.

So yeah. I'm pretty upset that I'm probably going to be blackballed from one of the biggest and most affordable renters in Ann Arbor, the place where I intend to rent for at least the next couple of years. I'm ready to give up. I feel pretty stupid right now for loving such an irresponsible boy. I feel stupid because this shit keeps happening over and over and he doesn't seem to care and keeps maintaining the same pattern. I know what I should do but I'm afraid. I can't make him change and his love for me is not enough to change him either.

Some good news: I passed my ServSafe certification exam. I nice national accreditation to add to my resume.

2011-07-05T18:25:00.001-07:00

My plan was to tell you all about therapy. In great detail. I realized that what I had written was too much for me to publish. Maybe I'll scale back the gruesome details a bit.

Recent developments:

*My final Criminology grade: A.

* Chris and I are looking for a new apartment. Again. Our lease ends in August. I'm not pumped about living in a complex but I did see a pretty nice place today. Two bedrooms, living room, dining area, gas stove, dishwasher, pantry. Everything a girl could want in a decently priced abode, although farther from downtown than I would like. Now, we're waiting for our applications to be approved. Keep your fingers crossed.

* Chris and I bought fireworks for the holiday this year. I had never had fireworks before. Exciting.

Therapy: Session 1 (Part 1)

2011-07-01T04:46:00.000-07:00

I went to therapy on Wednesday. It was nice to be able to talk about issues that are uncomfortable yet on my mind constantly. The more that I talk about them, the more I am able to talk about them confidently (??). I also believe that the more that I talk about these issues the less important they become. "Oh yeah. I've talked that to death. Who gives a fuck about it any more?!"

I was somewhat frustrated because she talked for the first half hour of our session. About canning foods. Don't get my wrong, canning my own food has been a long time dream, if not for the simple fact that I wouldn't have to go grocery shopping as often. Much of the time I was wondering "Hey! Aren't we supposed to be talking about me!" When she was done talking about canning she said "I know that was a little frustrating but do you feel a little more comfortable now? I like to talk a little before we start so we can get to know each other." That makes sense. She did extend the session to cover the time we spent talking about. . . not me.

She wanted to know about my life chronologically. She was looking for things that may still effect me now asking "How do you feel about that?" after every event.

I was born in Ontario high on speed. Two and a half months premature. At the age of six months, I was placed in foster care because my dad came home drunk one night and locked himself out of the house. He smashed a window over where I was sleeping to get in. My parents were told to go to therapy or they would lose their rights. The didn't go. I was placed in foster care and at three years old Granny adopted me.
I was raised on a college campus and Granny's middle child lived with us for most of my childhood and teen years. I loved living on campus. There were tennis courts, swimming pools, libraries, and theaters all within walking distance. If Granny couldn't find me, the first place she would call was the library, I could usually be found either in the psychology, philosophy, or child development sections. When I was twelve, Granny graduated with her child development, human services, and another degree. She had been going to school for as long as I could remember. Due to the terms of the adoption, she couldn't be away from me more than four hours a day, so I often went to class with her.
After she graduated, we had to leave the college-owned trailer park. We moved to the country. There was one girl my age that lived across the street, she hated me. She once asked me if I would kill myself if she supplied me with the right tools. My response, "No but I might kill you!" I felt surrounded by death. The trailer was across the street from a gun shop, a taxidermist, and two cemeteries. I hated 15 Mile.
Slowly, my friends found new friends. Who wants to drive their kid 20 minutes away to visit a friend when they are only going to drop them off and have to drive back home. I had a couple of friends though. One friend was Robin.
One day while Robin and I were bored and alone on 15 Mile, she said "You've got to meet my cousin. He's really cool and he only lives a few miles away. I bet we can hang out at his place."

She stopped me here. "Is this the man that raped you?"
"Yes."
"How old were you?"
"13."
"How old was he?"
"26."
"Where you a virgin?"
"Yes."
"What was his name?"
"S-s-s-am."

Although we hadn't talked about my feelings yet, that moment was hard yet empowering. I had never been able to say that name before when referring to him. Just saying or hearing that name, in general, gives me a flash to his face and I become dizzy.
Sam picked us up and brought us to his place. At first I thought that maybe he was an older brother. Why would we be hanging out with someone so much older? He gave me the creeps. He kept touching me and sitting by me. Trying to kiss me. I just wanted to go home but home seemed was a six mile walk in corduroy in summer. It was my first taste of the rabid pedophilia that has diseased Sault Ste. Marie and its surrounding areas.

We will continue on later, but for now our time is up. :)

2011-06-28T18:37:00.001-07:00

I've been a real bitch lately. I've been running around crying and whining like a crazy lady practically trying to force Chris into taking a really big step. I've been making him feel bad for not doing something that he didn't know I was interested in until three days ago. That's pretty awful.

He's making cookies. He made dinner. He's been pretty awesome... uh... all the time. He's pretty much taken over financial things for the last year. If he's ever fallen behind I'm sure I've flipped out. He might forget concert tickets but we still have electricity and even my computer is paid on time. That's pretty bad.

He does laundry most of the time. Have I ever told you about the time he searched far and wide for a shoe that I wanted to wear. Yeah. He found it under the bed.

Blurg!

2011-06-28T13:28:00.000-07:00

So, are all men the same or is it just mine? Maybe I'm just picking fights. So, about the whole engagement thing. He said that he would have proposed a while ago if he had the cash. So, this morning I thought I would ask if he had even started saving. If he was seriously thinking about it he might want to prepare, right? He said that he wasn't. It wasn't high on the list or something. I was a feeling pretty hurt and embarrassed. I just sat on the couch watching Netflix.

After my Criminology test, I received a text asking how my day was. I told him it sucked and, against my better judgement, I told him how I felt in texts. I try not to do this because. . . well. . . I'm all grown up and, as an adult, I have caused drama through texting. I try not to do that. Here's what I found out:

Based on our talks about marital issues, he believes that I want a moderately sized diamond and to marry quickly after becoming engaged. ??? Not quite sure how that came about. It's kind of the opposite of what I would prefer. And said. Selective hearing, I guess.

Jenaphur's Ideal Marriage Plan:

1. I would like a small ring. Preferably sterling silver or white gold. Gold colored gold is kind of ugly. I like the silver look. As for the stone, doesn't really matter. I love opals but for engagement purposes, I like those simple rings with one small diamond. One could probably be purchased at KMart for $100. Aren't they supposed to be traditional engagement rings anyway?

What do I like about a simple ring? To me it says "I love you but I don't have much. This is the best I could afford and I'm giving everything I have to you."

2. No public proposals allowed! No fancy meal, ring hidden in my wine glass. No baseball game monitor proposals. Preferably from the safety of my own home. You know, in case I show emotion about it. I might.

3.Engaged for 2 years, maybe 3. I don't want to wait forever but I need time to settle into the thought of actually being married. I'm dizzy just thinking about it now.

4. Wedding. Uh. That's where it could get tricky. If I'm going to base the rest of my life on one day, it had better be the best day ever. For a wedding, I would either have to do it up or go to Vegas and have Elvis do it. If I can't have a fancy expensive wedding then I want the king to marry me!

5. Most importantly, no backyard wedding! Unless it's a huge backyard next to a waterfall or something like that! Preferably outdoors, not in a church.

Ugh!!! I'm excited for therapy tomorrow. Damn frustrating boys.

Human Suffering

2011-06-27T12:00:00.001-07:00

Did I tell you that I started a new class? Comparative Religions. Today we learned about Buddhism. The focus: Human Suffering. I listened to the teacher talk about letting go of our desires because they are the cause of suffering. When we learn to let go of our desires, we suffer less. Duh! Well, I thought about myself and my need to let go and the fear that I have of letting go. If I let go of the rape, I'm think that I'm turning my back on the traumatized child inside me. The inner-child that I've been trying to protect for so long. Maybe she needs the push to learn what happiness is. In turn, she can grow. The perception that we are two different beings is untrue and it's time for her to grow up so that we can become one because we have always been the same person. Does that make sense?

If I let go of baby, I'm afraid that I'll forget him. Will I care any less about him? Of course not. I may not think and wonder about him as often but he'll still be there. I need to stop attaching the good memories to thoughts such as "That's was great but I'll never have that back again." Pushing these memories out of my mind is what got me here in the first place. It's been over three years, and suppressing this grief for so long, has made it almost uncontrollable now that it's come back.

When I first entered therapy after the loss of baby, it was because of the loss of baby. Looking back on it now, it's what I avoided talking about the most. I've had the opportunity for a while for therapy. I was in contact with the Ann Arbor Women's Center but I avoided it saying that I couldn't afford their $15 sessions and then not contacting the lady after she said that it would be free if I made a donation of money or volunteer time when I could. I've been in school for two months now, stopping every time I've passed the counseling office. When I'm feeling good, I think I don't need the help. When I'm feeling bad, I'm embarrassed to admit that I do need help. With depression comes self-destructive thought.

I found this comment from Ven with my last post:

let's say, just for a minute, that you won't ever be as happy as you were before. is there anything wrong with being almost as happy? what about equally as happy in different ways?
in all likelihood, you'll eventually get to a place where you're even more happy. it's impossible to say when or how, but that doesn't mean it won't happen.
are you maybe afraid of being happy? as in, do you think that by letting go of the sad feelings you have over your loss you're also letting go of the wonderful feeling that you had before it and the treasured memories of your bond? because those are things that you can never ever lose. not in a million years. no-one can take away from you that which you've already been.
i've never experienced a heartbreak such as yours, so perhaps the questions i'm asking are just annoying. but i thought i'd write them down, just in case, because they're the kinds of questions i ask myself sometimes. *hug

She's right. <3 Thank the Buddha for smart wonderful friends! Sure. I know what she's saying. I've known these things for a while but sometimes you need someone else to tell you what you already know to help it sink in.

I want to be happy in my life and hanging on to these thing for so long has kept me from happiness. My life is moving forward and I do yearn for it to keep moving. I want to move my relationship to the next step. How can I move forward if I'm stuck in the past? I think it's time to let go.

I'm with Chris and with him I have a different kind of love and it's a strong love. How could he have endured this for so long if he didn't love me. Every once in a while, more often in the last few months, I think about marriage and settling down but this is the first time in my life that I can put another face in those thoughts. I don't want to ruin that.

Just Walk Away

2011-06-26T07:30:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm still feeling pretty depressed despite all of talking I've done over the last couple of days but I didn't expect to feel better. I think what made me want to go to see the therapist was this overwhelming feeling that comes over me to just walk away. Fuck work, fuck school, fuck cats, fuck Chris. To physically start walking away from everything in my life. I feel I'm never going to be as happy as I was so why does anything right now matter. It's not going to work out anyway. It's not just that "walking away" feeling that scares me, it's the drive behind it. How compelled I am to walk away. It definitely outweighs any feelings that I have of staying in this life.

What do I have to look forward to? Seemingly endless nights in front of the tv. Hoping for tickets to a concert that I want to see and a night out that is never going to happen. Having my plans changed to fit someone else's preference. Being stuck in Ann Arbor for the rest of my life. Or the opposite: leaving a boy that I love behind. Feeling unappreciated and uncelebrated. Everybody wants someone to make a fuss over them every once in a while. I guess I'm just in need of a fuss.

I'd like to say that things will get better. That I'll be happier. Right now, I don't believe it. I can't see it. I can only imagine myself sitting on this couch night after night. I used to be able to imagine my ideal future and despite my finally moving closer to that I feel like I'm doing it alone. Yet there is still a very small part of me that is willing to try and continue on. I'm going to look at a new apartment today. Most of me says "Who the fuck cares. Just leave." But there is some small part somewhere that says "Check it out. You might like it and that's something else to look forward to."

Call Me Old Fashioned (Part 3)

2011-06-25T10:43:00.000-07:00

Mmmm. . . leftover pizza.

After Chris and I finished talking out the basement incident he asked if there was anything else that I wanted to talk about. There was. I sat there for a while, wanting to talk about our relationship but afraid of Chris' reaction. Finally, I let it out all the while sobbing.

I told him that I had never before thought that marriage was for me. That I had never thought about that level of commitment with anyone before but that I could see that for us. Not right now of course but perhaps in a couple of years. That I need something to further solidify our relationship. I guess something to reassure me that he looks forward to that same future. That I had been thinking about this for a while. I told him that I was afraid to say anything about these feelings because I was afraid he might not share them. I might scare him away.

I'm sure that my verbalization was just as confusing as that paragraph but it didn't take long for Chris to reply.

"I've been thinking about this for a while too. If I had the money to buy a ring I would have gotten on one knee a long time ago."

Awwwww. . . I know. Let's take a moment.

So. I had a thought. Not a new thought. It has crossed my mind occasionally. What if I asked Chris to marry me?

I mean, why not? It's not traditional. It's something that I want. It's something that he would have done if he had the money to purchase a ring. Perhaps I may be able to come up with a little cash to buy a ring. If a girl proposes (YIKES!) to a boy, does she buy him a ring? Perhaps she buys him something that he likes, like an engagement harmonica. Sure. I would like to be the one that is proposed to but if I want it badly enough shouldn't I try and make it happen?

I'm not sure that if I did I would want to get him a ring or something that he would have on display all of the time. The thing I hate about weddings stuff is the spectacle. I don't want a representation of the progression of our relationship for other people, I want it for us.

It always seems to me that when someone announces their engagement they are interrogated by everyone. Why did it happen? Where did it happen? How did it happen? Have you set a date? That rock could be bigger, don't you think? Sure, I would want people to know eventually but I guess I'd like to relax and settle into the idea. Prepare myself for the impending interrogation.

What do you think? Traditional or not? Ring, engagement harmonica, or nothing?

Call Me Old Fashioned (Part 2)

2011-06-25T09:11:00.000-07:00

So I followed Granny's advice. I knew what the problem was all along and I knew what I should do about it but fear of rejection and fear of scaring Chris away was holding me back. If my fear is holding me back from progressing for my future. . . well. . . why am I whining about what I want when I'm holding myself getting it??

Anyway, it happened in two parts. First it was try was a combination of I don't know's and coded messages. Trying to convey what I wanted to say to him but still trying to protect myself. The most understandable part of that conversation:

Me: I think I need some progress in our relationship.

Chris: We are progressing. You're going to school. I'm going to go back in the Fall. Things are happening for us but we have to be patient.

Me: I was thinking of more on an emotional level. I guess.

Chris: You mean like you want to get married?

Me: NO! I mean not marriage but a little less than that, but not that, but something more than we have now.

Chris: Well. We live together. What is more than that but less than marriage?

Me: I don't know.

Yeah. That was somewhat of a poor attempt at proper communication. Although I thought I was being pretty obvious without having to put my heart out there and say exactly what I want.

This morning I woke up feeling angry with myself for not really putting it all out there. As I blogged about my conversation with Granny, I kept hearing her advice for me to tell him exactly how I felt and to feel okay about expressing any emotions that I might be feeling. That's the big problem for me. Feeling exposed and wondering if someone might exploit that. But Chris isn't like that. I went to Washtenaw Dairy to buy donuts and when I came home Chris spoke up:

Chris: Is there something you want to talk about? I can't stand to see you this way?

Me: Well. . .yeah. . . um. (pause) Do you remember when Sterling and Andy got into that fight in the basement. . .

I pretty much told Chris what I had written in Part 1. Once I told him how I felt in detail and with backup examples he understood how I felt. He may not have agreed with how I felt but he respected it. He hadn't realized that I felt that strongly or that way about the situation. . . because I didn't say anything. Had he known, it would have gone down very differently.

Truthfully, I wanted to get that out of the way before I had talked to him about our relationship. I wanted to tell him that although I had some resentment toward him about that situation, I didn't say anything to let him know what I was feeling so my feelings are unfounded. I think that if I talk to a therapist, I can gain the skills to work past these feelings and move forward. Why would he have reason to believe that I want are relationship to progress if I have this anger toward him in the first place? Why would he want to progress with someone who has these feelings toward him?

Let's take a break. . . Grab some Pepsi, smoke a cigarette, drink some wine. I'm going to warm up some leftover pizza. Why is it that I manage to have pizza for lunch everyday that I work?? You'd think I might want a salad or something!

Maybe I'm a Little Old Fashioned (part 1)

2011-06-25T03:42:00.000-07:00

In the midst of my breakdown I did something drastic. Something I only do when I think something is really wrong and despite all of the planning and analyzing in my head I can't find a solution. I called Granny.

I called her and in the middle of my message on her answering machine I broke down. I also told her that I didn't want to talk to her about this when Chris was around so I may not answer when she called back. She didn't hear that part so she called and left some pretty anxious messages. "Jennifer! Where are you?? Are you okay??"

I finally called her back yesterday. She was in the middle of dropping my biological parent, Michelle, off at work. She kept me on the line and finished her task then she drove off and pulled over to the side of the highway so we could talk.

I've spent my childhood watching Granny help battered women, addicts, and just about anybody who she comes across with their problems and when she is in therapist mode, she's pretty good. It went a little something like this:

Granny: So, you sounded pretty upset on the answering machine there kiddo. What's up?

Me: Uhhh. I don't know. I've been really depressed lately. . . about the "baby." (starts to cry.)

Granny: It sounds like you're pretty depressed. So, what are you thinking and when you're having these thoughts what emotions are you experiencing?

Me: I'm thinking that he's never coming back. I was so happy when he was around. I've never felt that way before and I liked it. What if I never have that feeling again? What point is there to continuing on with life if I never feel that good ever again? It makes me feel sad and angry and I think "Why me?"

Granny: Okay. So, how do you feel about your friend Chris? How is that going?

Me: Well. Things are okay. I've been pretty angry lately and a lot of it has been pointed in his direction. I think I'm still resentful about the whole Andy in the basement situation but he didn't back me up and we're supposed to be a team. It doesn't feel like it.

Granny: Anything else?

Me: Well. I'm almost 30. What if I never have kids or do any of that domestic stuff? All Chris and I are doing is living together. I feel like were just roommates. We might share a phone contract and a bed payment but I need more than that. I don't want to be in this years later having accomplished nothing and have to leave the situation and start over again and it's too late. I don't want to get married or anything but I'd like to maybe. . .

Granny: Maybe what?

Me: (whispers) maybe. . . be engaged.

Granny: (laughs) Ohhh. It's okay. I know what's happening here. You are starting to think about kids and family because you want those things. It's okay to want those things and if you want them badly enough you should tell Chris about how you feel. Sit him down and be honest. Relax and don't get angry. He's a nice boy and maybe he wants those things too.

Me:Okay. I'll try.

Granny: And about the brother! Keep your mouth shut. You will never win that one. When I was married to Mr. Frank I had a big problems with his brother, Rudy, but one time when I said something nasty about him Mr. Frank got pretty angry and said "Don't you ever talk about my brother again!" Don't talk about him and do your best not to think about him. He's not worth it. But talk to him about the other stuff. I he really loves you he'll listen and hopefully he's feeling the same way and maybe something will come of it. (pauses) Oh honey I have to go! It's Fred! Michelle must've called him and he right behind me. He probably think I'm stranded. Call me later and tell me what's going on!

Have I Mentioned That I Don't Condone Violence

2011-06-24T00:29:00.000-07:00

So, I've pretty much gone batshit crazy. Like one step before being committed. Make that a half step. The idea was tossed around a bit. In the end, I agreed to therapy. Isn't that what I wanted anyway?? Things are getting better. I'm getting what I want and now that my brain is resting from the stress that was my current life older issues are starting to take hold. To continue on and be successful in the future I have to deal with these things.

My rules of blogging are as follows:

1. Once it has been published it cannot be deleted.
2. If editing is done after publication it can only be done to correct ridiculous spelling errors, unless they amuse me, or if I've left out important information. Additions but no subtractions.

Yesterday I posted some things and although they were pretty awful, I don't think they are entirely untrue. But that is based on a combination of irrational thought and. . . self preservation? I told you that Andy impregnated his girlfriend and I don't think he deserves to have a child.

It's true and as much as I've tried to deny it, I see him as a threat. I do my best to encourage people to be themselves and enjoys themselves when they are in my environment. I only have two rules:

1. Don't fuck with my body.
2. Don't fuck with my living space.

When I was a kid those were the things that were violated. The two things that I couldn't protect and I felt that those around me who could didn't care enough to do so. Now that I'm an adult, I can protect those things and I know that no one else will. I am defensive to the point of irrationality when it comes to protecting my body and living space.

We learned in Criminology that the two things that a person is legally allowed to defend to the death for is the body and the living space. Because the living space is the safe place to retreat to therefore a person has the right to defend it to the death. Redundant. I know.

Plus, there was that one time when I was a teenager when I got into a fight with the father of a then friend in his house. When I told him to fuck off he slapped me in the face. I guess it was better than receiving the regular beating he said that I deserved. It's funny to me that when I look back to that moment, I understand how he felt, although violence is not cool. It also instilled the belief that if you feel strongly enough about something then you fight for it. You have to be willing to take a hit. Not that I'm condoning violence.

I see Andy as a threat because I feel he seriously violated my living space. To me, that's equal to violating my body and I can't move past it. Also, Chris defended him. He couldn't back me up in our home and I am resentful of that. I love him and want to be with him but I do have some issues that I need to work through or my relationship won't last. I feel like everyone is against me and the crowd is growing. I guess that sounds paranoid. Or am I over-analyzing? Perhaps over-analyzing has gotten me to this place. I don't know.

Drinking Delicious Merlot

2011-06-23T12:28:00.000-07:00

Things have been slow at the pizza place. I've been working Saturdays since I started school. It's nice. I've had a lot of time to do homework. Mama is going to Italy next week and who knows when she'll be back. I'll be working Fridays for her.

This past week I've had a hard time functioning and I'm afraid that my decent grades may plummet. I've missed two math classes and one criminology class. My criminology term paper was pretty pathetic and I won't be able to make up the quizzes and math assignments that I've missed. I'm disappointed in myself. Hence the therapist. I can't let anything mess up school for me.

Because of my small work schedule, I decided to take another class. Comparative Religions. It's interesting. We learned about Hinduism last week. Unfortunately, I turned my home work in the same day but I had to email it because I left it in the printer. Thankfully she took it because it was the first assignment and I wasn't the only one to forget it.

Chris and I saw "Back to the Future" last night at "Top of the Park." That was fun.

Baby Blues

2011-06-23T12:07:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to beat around the bush because I'm pretty sure that is what brought me to this point. Remember the baby that I posted about a while ago? I'm having baby issues.

I saw a therapist today because I've been crying off and on uncontrollably for the last little while. I've been very angry and taking it out on Chris, which is not cool. Oh yeah. While I was waiting to see the therapist today Chris texted to tell me that Andy and his girlfriend are having a baby. Thanks for rubbing it in my face.

I told the therapist: "He made life worth living. I was happier and more lighthearted than I have ever been and I don't think I'll ever have that feeling again. How can I go on when I know that life won't be any better than it was?" She wanted to have me committed, or whatever, for suicide watch. Great. We compromised. I'll see her once a week for, at least, the next six or seven months for grief counseling.

I know that these thoughts are irrational but they are mine and to me they are valid. I feel like I've been waiting years for life to be like it was and now I have to watch someone else experience the joys that I feel were ripped away from me? Someone that, honestly, I don't think deserves these joys. Yeah. I know.

Chris keeps asking if I want him to come home or do I want to be left alone. I don't think he wants to come home. I would love to crawl into a hole and die right now. . . alone. . . but I know that that is the depression talking. I think it would be best to have someone around. He's upset that I don't talk to him about this but I don't want him to watch me crying and whining about something that was never mine to begin with. I don't want him to think that I'm crazy and I don't want to hear "just treat it like he's another daycare kid."

That's my problem. I think that when everything happened I was told by so many people to just treat "baby" like another daycare kid that I thought they would think that I was some obsessed nut and I suppressed my grief. Well, it's finally coming out and I don't know how to, or if I can handle it. So therapy.

2011-06-18T09:47:00.000-07:00

My apartment has looked like this for quite some time.

It's been a while since I've had the energy to clean my apartment but yesterday I woke up with energy and a smile. After a shower, I spent the morning cleaning and listening to music. Happily.

It's nice to be able to relax in my nice clean apartment.

Perhaps it's because of this wonderful presentation grade. Good for the old self-esteem and all. But I'm not sure that I would have been able to get back into school or accomplish what I have in the last year without the advice and encouragement from you guys so thanks!!! I appreciate it. . . so does Chupacabra!!! <3

2011-06-10T13:21:00.000-07:00

Now that I'm done whining, I have to tell you, I have my midterm math grade. B. B!!!!! I have only received a B in math once, 5th grade. The only year I was on the Honor Roll list. I GOT A B IN MATH!!!!

I also received 106% on my last Criminology test. That's with extra credit, of course. My presentation was a little bit rocky. My Powerpoint videos wouldn't play and I was so nervous that I dropped my well organized index cards on the desktop and rambled through my five minute presentation. Of course five minutes felt like and hour but it was probably more like three and a half minutes.The class seemed interested, most couldn't believe that it was just an experiment, and the teacher said that he had never heard of it. I thought that was a little odd.

The Stanford Prison Experiment

Here is my Powerpoint presentation!!!

The Sound of Settling (part 2)

2011-06-10T06:09:00.000-07:00

I was so caught up with the birthday thing that I completely forgot what that last post was originally about. Distraction is the key.

So, I had $50 in Chris' bank account and he borrowed $20, which he hasn't paid back. He also said that he would give me a little cash because I've paid for dinner and Cafe Zola. Wednesday night he said that he would owe me $60 when he got paid yesterday. Last night he said I owed him $35. I'm a little confused.

I went to Sparrow Market on Monday to buy dinner foods. They had a sign advertising the sale of buffalo meat. Oh man! Buffalo meat!!! If you've never had buffalo, you don't know what you're missing! Unfortunately, when I asked for some at the meat counter, the worker said that they were out but would have a continuous supply beginning Friday morning. I've been dreaming of buffalo burgers all week. If I have to give Chris money, I'll have enough cash on me for a Bertoli Frozen dinner. That's about it.

I know, it's a silly thing to whine about. Buffalo meat. There is a bigger issue. The whole my biological clock is ticking. I hate that feeling. It's comparable to puberty. I'm a ball of crazy mixed up emotions. What brought this on?? I'll show you:

This man stepped onto the bus nervously clutching a Kay Jewelers bag. As he looked at the ring I wondered if that would ever be Chris. Then I remembered that he can't even buy concert tickets. I'm worried that when I'm ready to move forward with my life, what if he's not ready? What if we're not on the same page? What if we move forward but by the time we do it's too late? AARRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Sound of Settling

2011-06-10T03:14:00.000-07:00

I have a habit of picking a certain topic and analyzing it to death in my head. The topic is usually something that makes me angry and I always seem to focus on the person that I feel is adding to my disgust.

Current Topic: Settling
Angry at: Chris
What brought this about: Ivan and his girlfriend, also a Jennifer, came over about a week ago. That's right! This has been slowly building in my head for a week. Actually for months. . .

Anyway, it was Jennifer's birthday. Ivan didn't have any cash for a cake or a present, so I took him aside and said that if he took me to the store, we would buy her a small cake. Better than nothing, right? Wrong. Ivan said that the thought was nice but that Jennifer hates her birthday and would prefer to pretend that she doesn't have one. Instead, we all had Blimpy Burger for lunch.

When Chris and I and Ivan and Jennifer parted ways Chris asked me what was wrong. I told him about wanting to get Jennifer a cake. Who wouldn't want someone to make a fuss over her on her birthday!?!?! Chris' reply to this: "It's her birthday. If she doesn't want a cake then she doesn't get a cake. Birthdays are all about what the birthday person wants.

I had to bite my tongue. What I really wanted to say was: Is that what you were thinking when you were making my birthday plans!?!?!

If you don't know, my last birthday sucked. All I've wanted to do since I moved to Ann Arbor is catch a good live show that features a band that I like and drink, dance, and sing the night away. That should be easy, right?

This past birthday Chris said that he was going to get tickets to a Pogues show in Royal Oak. The Pogues are from the eighties. Irish drinking songs. AND I heard that Shane MacGowan got a new set of chompers. I would have liked to have seen that. Chris told me about the show in December but two weeks before the show, after constant reminders from me, he still hadn't bought them. My final reminder went a little something like this:

Me: : So, the concert is in two weeks! Did you get those tickets yet?
Chris: No but it's not like they're a popular band. We can get tickets at the door.
Me: (getting angry) I bet they are sold out. You should check.
Chris: (Plays with his phone for a minute, then gives me a funny look.) I can't find the website. I'll check when I get home.
Me: (bust out my Ipod) I'll find it. (Plays with Ipod, sees what I knew I would see. Very angry now.) THEY ARE SOLD OUT JUST LIKE I TOLD YOU THEY WOULD BE! Just because you don't like my musical tastes doesn't mean that no one else will either!

Then I cried until about a week after my birthday but I've been seething since. It comes in waves. Pretty much whenever someone says the words "birthday" or "concert" or "Pogues."

***
Now, let's travel back to the year before that:

I wanted to see Electric Six at The Blind Pig. Tickets were $13. I was pumped to go. For weeks I kept asking Chris if he had bought the tickets. He hadn't and I told him over and over that I would buy the tickets, he had to transport us there though. Via cab or Andy. Of course Andy was the only option for him and he told me over and over that he would buy the tickets.

On my birthday and the day of the show he finally told me that he hadn't bought the tickets but that he was sure we could get them at the door. I was apprehensive but kept my cool. In the mid afternoon he finally told me that Andy didn't feel like going to the show, which meant that we weren't going to the show.

It's all about what she wants for her birthday, huh?!?!?! What a load of bullshit!!!

A Few Domesticy Things

2011-06-08T11:18:00.000-07:00

It's been a while. Sorry. I've been sort of busy with school stuffs. My Criminology presentation is due tomorrow. I'm nervous. It's going to be a five minute on The Stanford Prison Experiment. I've been doing pretty well in that class. I've gotten A's on both tests. That's the only work we've had to thus so far though. I have a paper due on the 21st but I don't even know what to write about. I was thinking The CSI Effect. There are people in class that are always arguing with the professor because of things that they had seen on CSI. Ridiculous.

College

I'm waiting for the delivery guy. We're getting a new bed. Hint: Air mattresses are not made for long term regular use. Anyway, delivery guys should be here within the hour. Poor bastards. It's 93 degrees out today.

So, I've been sticking to my summer resolution of wearing clothing that is comfortable even if I feel awkward. I'm wearing a dress today. Yikes! When I went to get coffee this morning I was wearing the dress without shorts underneath. At least 50 people saw my underwear. Ugh. Note to self: Wear shorts under your dress.

Chris and I have been spending time outside lately. The other day we walked through Nichols Arboretum. It was beautiful. We saw a deer when we walked through Forest Hill Cemetery. She was definitely wary but I wanted to get a picture without scaring her off. Chris said that it was the closest he had ever been to a deer outside of a car. He was pumped!

Picture This

2011-05-29T04:07:00.000-07:00

This is me and a drunk NewYorkGuy around 2 am Saturday morning. It's a really bad picture but it makes me smile. It's nice to be a part of the picture and not just the person taking it.

I'll Love You Til Tuesday

2011-05-25T03:40:00.001-07:00

Lately I've been listening to Toni Basil and the debut album of David Robert Jones, better known as David Bowie.

Yesterday I received my excess school aid. I need a place to study, so I bought a computer cart, chair, and ink for the printer. A while later I stepped into the bedroom to find this:

You May Only Want to Read the Beginning

2011-05-21T09:15:00.000-07:00

So, I haven't heard from Ven in a while. I know her computer is on the fritz. :( I tried to text her but the phone number I have is old and the Redhead doesn't have a current number either. So, if you're out there Ven: <3 <3 <3 We're going to Cafe Zola!

**********************************************************************************

So, what I'm trying to say next makes me very uncomfortable. It might make you uncomfortable too. It's not a happy subject. I try to avoid it at all costs although I feel that it is something that people should talk more openly about because it happens more often than you might think. For the purpose of clearing my head, I need to write about this. Rape.

I don't know how long you've been reading my blog but in an earlier post I wrote a little bit about being raped at the age of 13. I have very little memory of it yet enough to know that it happened more than once. It's common. Repressed memories and whatnot. So, is the need to explain what I don't understand so that no one thinks I'm a liar. I've been staring at my assailant's picture all morning. Although he was never charged with the actual crime he was charged with Criminal Sexual Conduct, 4th Degree and is on the Michigan Sex Offender Registry.

Attempted Criminal Sexual Conduct, 4th Degree. The police told me that no one would believe a child over an adult but I got him for Attempted Criminal Sexual Conduct, 4th Degree. I guess I should be satisfied. I mean, Attempted Criminal Sexual Conduct, 4th Degree could get you 2 years in jail and/or a $500.00 fine. He got a $500.00 fine.

Right now I feel obligated to explain to you why I didn't do better. Why I didn't do better do stop him from hurting anyone else. I don't know whether or not he has hurt anyone else but I know that I'm not the first.

A fine and/or two years in jail. I should feel justified because a fine and/or two years in jail is comparable to my constant memories, social awkwardness, and sexual weirdness. Right?

Sex has always been a strange thing for me. In therapy I learned that because my first sexual experiences, or what I thought were sexual experiences, were about power. When I became an adult, I thought that this was what sex was about. Until therapy, sex wasn't about pleasure for me. It was about making the other person cum. "Look what I can make you do. Look at this power that I have over you." Now, unless I'm in the right frame of mind, sex is just another out of body experience.

My problem: I generalized Chris and flipped out during sex. I often have the out of body experiences. They happen sometimes on an hourly basis. Any uncomfortable moment that I have throughout the day might result in such an experience. The trick is to bring myself back from it before I am too far from myself. That's when I start to lose time. Yeah. Like a crazy person.

Generalization happens when a similar event triggers the traumatic event. Sometimes when this happens to I have the sense that I'm standing outside of my body looking at what's going on. When I saw the unresponsive look on my face the other night, I didn't want to continue. Fortunately, Chris, who doesn't totally understand my PTSD, is understanding and supportive. He did exactly what I needed. He left me alone but was close by when I needed comfort.

I don't want to bore you with the pathetic and strange details. I already feel like a crazy person for even blogging these things but the comforting thing for me is knowing that I'm not the only one who feels this way. Maybe someone will come across this post and not feel so alone.

Powerpoint, what?

2011-05-20T08:27:00.000-07:00

I have to do a presentation for my Criminology class. I thought that the teacher was pretty vague when telling us what he wanted us to do but maybe I'm feeling intimidated. I asked him about it after the two hour essay question test that I took yesterday morning. I don't really have a video to show for it but there are photographs. He said videos were not required and Powerpoint could be used.
Powerpoint. I've messed with it here and there but I've never done a report or presentation with it. I'm nervous. I want to start using the software but I don't know how I should start. I think I'm afraid of failure and it's holding me back. So, I'll have to suck it up and power through!

I know I've hinted about my report but haven't told you exactly what it is. I won't tell you now but here's a hint:

I'm thinking I should wear Chris' mirrored sunglasses to enhance the effectiveness of the information I'm trying to convey. :)

Renty Things

2011-05-20T08:09:00.000-07:00

I just read these two great blog posts:

Bossy Betty and Georgina Dollface

Good stuff. I don't follow many blogs but the authors of the blogs that I do follow have excellent writing skills. Yeah. I'm a little jealous. Damn you and your awesome writing skills!!!!

Unfortunately, I'm one of those "I could write an awesome blog post until I'm sitting in front of the computer" people. Kind of like the grocery list in my head continues to add to itself but I'll forget the whole thing when I get to the store. I was thinking of taking a Creative Writing class next semester. Could be helpful.

The last couple of day have been needlessly stressful. I received an angry phone call from the tenant that we are subletting from about unpaid rent and then another from the realty company ten minutes later. I wish that the realty company would contact me about such things before contacting the previous tenant. Perhaps I could explain to them that a $900.00 payment was made at the realty company's website and the site said that it would take 5 days to post to our account. That would be today. DICKS!

Luckily, Chris got a printout of our account and there were some charges that the realty lady said she would fix from April, yet she hasn't done so. I immediately emailed her about everything. I'm still waiting for a response.

Thankfully my excess financial aid will be deposited on Monday. I plan to pay my half of the rent for the semester and I won't have to deal with that bullshit anymore!!! I'm ready to focus school and not worry about bills!

Yay! College!

2011-05-12T08:47:00.000-07:00

It's my first week of college. Culinary School. I've been to college before. Anyway, it's my first week of college. I've been pretty sick all week. I won't go into the gross details but I stopped carrying cough syrup in my inside sweater pocket yesterday. Now, it's nestled safely in my backpack. Despite starting school sicker than a dog, a really sick dog, things are good.

I've been feeling a little intimidated. I have a presentation due for Criminology on June 9th. I don't even remember where to start. The project can be on anything I want that has to do with Criminology. My professor didn't give us much direction. We don't even have to run the topic by him. Topics I'm think about:

*Legalization of Prostitution
*How power effects the behavior of criminal just employees (i.e. police officers, prison guards)

I while ago I watched, on Netflix, National Geographic's The Science of Evil. I thought it was interesting. Check it out!

My math class seems pretty easy. It's called Everyday College Math. I guess teachers were tired of kids asking "What am I ever going to use this for??" The class incorporates math into everyday situations. Like calculating the distance between two cities on a map or rounding the total of your grocery list. It's fairly easy although the teacher isn't showing us how to show work and not having taken a math class in about a decade, I don't know how to write them out on paper. Chris has been helping me with my homework.

So, I told Chris that I know he thinks Andy's ladyfriend is hot. He laughed and said "Are you kidding! She has a horse face!" That made me feel better. Yeah. I know. He invited me to play disc golf after school with him, Andy, and Sara. I'll think about it.

I have an hour before my next class. I'm struggling not to spend my financial aid on junk at the bookstore. I really want a Smartpen. They are $129.99 and I have $596.00 left on my bookstore financial aid account. Unfortunately, I need that extra cash for bills. I really want a Smartpen!!!

As for my Sanitation and Hygiene class, it was Tuesday and the professor didn't even show up. We sat there for a half hour before we found someone to find the whereabouts of our professor. My fist Culinary class and the teacher doesn't even show up!!!

On the way to school this morning I saw Sterling on a street corner. He must've been walking to school but I have yet to see him on campus. I can't wait until I do.

Lastly, Kirsten is in town. We she texted me to see if I was available for dinner as I was on my way to Sanitation and Hygiene. I was sort of happy that the teacher didn't show up. I met Kirsten in downtown Ann Arbor, college is in Ypsilanti, and we sat outside and enjoyed chicken shawarma at Pita Kabob. Tip: Don't eat the chicken shawarma at Pita Kabob. Stick with the falafel!! <3

Strawberry Shortcake with a Twist

2011-05-05T07:42:00.000-07:00

Day 19 - A Recipe

The weather is getting nicer and it's my favorite time of year for food. Everything is so fresh and boldly colored. Here's something that I love to eat in the summer!

1/2 Cup of fresh strawberries
1/2 Cup of tart cherries, canned or fresh
1 Apple, cut into slices
1 Lime
2 tsp sugar
Angel Food Cake individual cups
Whipped Topping, Optional

Sprinkle strawberries with sugar, refrigerate for an hour. When ready, combine strawberries, cherries, and apple slices in a food processor. Squeeze lime over top of fruit. Lightly chop fruit in food processor.
Top Angel Food Cake cups with fruit and then top with whipped topping.

If you don't have a food processor, you can dice the fruit mixture and toss with lime juice to make the fruit mixture.

Day 20

2011-05-05T07:26:00.000-07:00

Day 20 - A Hobby of Yours

Sewing has been an occasional hobby of mine since I was a kid. I remember granny showing me how to sew buttons and doll clothes. As a teenager I made some of my clothes and a lot of the messenger and hand bags that I carried with me. I made my senior prom outfit. As an adult, I haven't had time for much sewing. I've made a lot of curtains and summer clothes.

I don't really like sewing. I definitely have to be in the mood for it. For example, about a year ago I made curtains for Andy's new house. There were five sets of different sizes. All were the same simple design. They should have taken two weeks to make them. Maybe a month. It took me about three months to make them and just as I was finishing them my machine broke. I was so angry that I wouldn't fix the machine that I threw it on the floor. Breaking it some more.

I think sewing is a great skill to have. It doesn't take much space to store a needle, thread, and a seem ripper and having just basic knowledge of sewing can help you in a pinch. Perhaps a button on your shirt pops off in a freak accident before a job interview. Maybe you're pants rip when you're on a date. If you can sew a button or make a basting stitch you're golden until you're safely at home with a closet full of intact professionally made clothing. :)

Collegebound - Budgety Scheduley Things

2011-05-05T06:19:00.000-07:00

School starts in 4 days. I'll be taking 3 classes: Everyday College Math, Criminology, and Sanitation and Hygiene. I'm just about set and ready to go. Yesterday I stocked up on cat food and litter and picked up the apartment. My work schedule has been cut down to 22 hours a week, a little less than I asked for. I'm a little nervous about not working as much but I've budgeted everything out for the semester and I would be able to make bills on even less hours. Unfortunately, I had to take out a loan. I'm also pretty excited about it. There has been much drama and tension at the pizza place. I've had trouble not taking it home. I also want to try disc golfing more now that my shoulder is feeling a lot better.

The best part about my new schedule, I have Sundays off. Every week Chris has Sunday off. He is off every other Saturday. I've been working Saturday 10-5 and Sunday 10-8 since October. It'll be nice to have a day off with Chris. We could have brunch at Cafe Zola! I want to try a mimosa or fifty.

Tomorrow morning Chris and I will be taking the bus to Washtenaw to buy my books and supplies. He thinks I need help buying my books. Normally I would say something like "I have purchased textbooks in the past. I think I know what I'm doing." but he's really excited. The cost of my textbooks will automatically be taken from my financial aid. I have also added this into my budget. My budget also includes a new backpack and paying off my computer. One thing not on my budget, a new fancy phone. We'll see.

Here's another picture of cats:

My Super Ego Has Taken Over

2011-05-05T05:24:00.000-07:00

Have you seen my new blog title? It doesn't really mean anything. I thought it sounded funny. Like 'Seizure on the Sidewalk.' I had to post it before I changed my mind. I was going to wait until I had written a better introduction but then it might never happen. Damn indecisiveness. . .

I've been sitting here all morning with the sun in my eyes. The plants are looking a little bit droopy. I don't think the Wandering Jew even has roots yet. It was just a clipping. When I was a kid, Granny used to tell me that if I named my plants they would live longer. I'm sure she said this so that I would have a stronger attachment with the plant and work harder at taking care of it. Whenever I would get a new pet she would always explain imprinting to me to make sure that I would work hard to love and care for my new pet. Now I have to spoiled old cats. Mercutio is 11 years old. Chupacabra is 17 years old.

That's what it was like living with a therapist. For me anyway. This morning I've come to realize that my super ego has taken over. I had to give myself a ~~crazy lady rant~~ pep talk:

"Suck it up Jenaphur! Stop psychoanalyzing yourself all of the time! You want to make friends, don't you? You often wonder why you can't make a friend after almost three years of living in Ann Arbor?! Stop psychoanalyzing every decision you make and relax!

Oh. And your blog title?! It wasn't some subconscious decision your mind came up with to describe your or anything to do with you life! You were baked and wondering if mixing a cake in a blender would change the consistency. Then you thought 'ha.ha. cake in a blender. that would be a cool blog title.' Hophead!"

I've been watching That 70's Show on Netflix.

Loves Children

2011-05-04T05:37:00.000-07:00

Day 19 - A Talent of Mine

I'm not sure that this is a talent. It's more like a skill. I guess a talent is a skill. It's not something that one would refer to as a talent. Isn't that a strange word. Talent, talent, talent. . .Strange word.

I think I'm pretty good with children. Mostly children under five years old. I used to be terrified by them. I thought they were annoying sticky-fingered monsters. Probably because I constantly found peanut butter and jelly fingerprints all over my flute's keys as a teenager. It's an expensive instrument! Maybe I didn't like children because Tabitha used to be over all of the time and want to spend every minute with me. All I wanted to do was chain smoke, brood, and listen to Marylin Manson by myself. That's about the time that she started to be afraid of the boogie man. Maybe it's because I thought that they were small and weak and that I might hurt them. Yeah. It's true. Then I had to work with them.

I absolutely love hanging out with kids all day! I wasn't sure what to expect when I started working with them. Sure, there is a lot of paperwork to fill out, a strict schedule to follow, and if you're in the right school, a lot of diapers to change. It was once my job to change 16 diapers a day. . . and I loved it. Distraction is the key! And gloves. The best time to bond with a child is either during feeding or diapering. Sing a fun song, ask him questions about colors, ABC's, whatever. Do something that makes him laugh.

It's not hard to make a child laugh. Babies love hide and seek. Toddlers love it when you hurt yourself. Trip over a stuffed animal. School aged children are a challenge for me. They test you and can be pretty defiant. Sometimes they just don't like you.

I once received a bloody nose when a four year old head-butted me. One time I saw a four year old throw a chair at her teacher. We had to call an ambulance. The sad part about this is that it's only getting worse. People are having kids before they are ready and it's not that they've given up on their children. It's like they aren't even trying! The other day I was waiting in the check out line at the grocery store. There was a headline that said something like "Teen Mom: Who's Having Twins! Who Wants Another Baby!" WTF!!?!

Day 18 - Whatever I want

2011-05-03T10:39:00.000-07:00

This is Geoff and Katherine. They are pretty cool. They are Chris' best friends. I guess they're my friends too. They just graduated from U of M. He a Botanist. She a Poet. They stood with their back turned to Governer Snyder while he gave his commencement speech. Last year's graduates had President Obama speak at their graduation. This year's graduates were screwed. So is Michigan.

Anyway, this evening they are leaving town. They are hiking the Appalachian Trail for the next six months. They've been preparing for months. They have 200 pounds of dehydrated food separated into 6 packages that will be sent to them along the way. They spend a lot of time hiking and traveling. I'm sure they'll be safe. They came over last night. Geooff gave us a clipping from his Wandering Jew, which I hope I don't kill, and special leaves to make special brownies with. I have a recipe for special butter somewhere. . .

It was a bittersweet visit. I think reality was starting to sink in for Geoff. He had a hard time leaving last night. Chris seemed a sad too. There was definitely some awkward sort of bro love thing going on. Should we hug, or shake hands? No. No. There's something in my eye. I just need a glass of water. That sort of thing. Of course, I had to have a copy of "The Giving Tree" lying next to where the botanist was sitting. I think that got the sad goodbye ball rolling. By the way, we were talking tattoos. I was thinking that this would be cool:

Day 17 - I'm not name-dropping. I swear.

2011-05-03T09:31:00.000-07:00

Day 17 - An Art Piece

I've been trying to find time to check out the Life In Ceramics exhibit at the U of M Art Museum. I really need to get organized. . .

Ohwell. I have something better!

Here are some paintings and drawings by my favorite artist, Jim Burby. Unfortunately, my digital camera died and I couldn't take pictures of my Jim Burby Original collection, I stole these from his MySpace and Facebook. Sucks. I feel a little pretentious when I call it my collection. . . and I like it. : )

Marilyn Monroe

Dresden Dolls

Amanda Palmer

Pointilism Bird


Stevie Ray Vaughan's Number One; I kind of want this as a tattoo

Day 16

2011-05-03T08:54:00.000-07:00

Day 16 - A Song That Makes Me Cry

No Rain by Blind Melon. Have you ever actually listened to the lyrics? I don't cry every time I listen to this song, it's mandatory on any music storing/listening device I have, but there are many times where this song has brought me to tears.

I've been stuck on the whole depression thing as long as I can remember. I saw my first therapist in second grade. I've tried medication, holistic medicine, therapy. I've been reminded, judged, and scolded by people who don't understand my whole life. My biggest annoyance are the people that think I can just turn it off and on. Dumbasses! So, when I find something that reminds me that I'm not the only one who feels the way I do, I cling to it. Music and writing are the best therapy for me and this song conveys perfectly what feelings that I couldn't describe nearly as well.

There are other good songs by Blind Melon too! Check them out!

Day 15

2011-05-01T08:06:00.000-07:00

Day 15 - A fanfic

This one is the toughest challenge of all. I've been thinking about it. I know very little about fanfic. I had a roommate that would always have multiple Supernatural fanfic pages loaded onto her browser. You know. Supernatural, the tv show. Sam and Dean?

Anyway, I'd share one of those with you but gay incestuous Supernatural porn isn't really my thing. For the last time! I won't post anything about Sam stroking Deans throbbing. . .

So You Know

2011-04-29T13:34:00.001-07:00

Charlaine Harris will be sharing her infinite wisdom along with awesome writing tips at the Michigan Theater. Great.

Day 14 - So, now that we've established that I suck at reviews

2011-04-28T15:23:00.000-07:00

"I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings" is the first of a series of autobiographies Maya Angelou has written. It starts out with three year old Maya and and her 4 year old brother Bailey being sent to live with their grandmother in Stamps, Arkansas. The book ends with the birth of her son, Guy, shortly after she graduated high school.

When I was 12 I found this book sitting on the edge of my bed. It looked a lot like this:

front cover

back cover

My sister put it there. She had found it in a box of junk and since I already had a collection of Maya Angelou's poems so she assumed that it was mine. It wasn't. Crazy phantom books. I covered the front and back with packing tape and have been very careful with it ever since. I should probably just get a new copy. You know. One that has a cover.

Did you know that Maya Angelou once kicked Billy Holiday out of her house?!

Day 13 - I'm not much of a non-fiction reader

2011-04-28T07:49:00.000-07:00

Day 13 - A Fictional Book

Damn. This one was the hardest day of all. I'm prefer reading non-fiction. I've been staring at my book collection trying to think of a book to tell you about but I'm sure you don't want to hear about Harry Potter or Twilight. . . which I'm embarrassed to say that I was sucked into the hype. I'm innocent I tell ya! It's not my fault! They made me read them!

I will admit that while reading the Twilight Series, I wished that Chris were a sexy vampire. Although, I felt that both authors dropped the ball when ending each series. I had hoped for more action from Stephanie Mayer and a plain old less shitty ending from J.K. Rowling. What do they care, they've made enough cash.

But the worst I have read so far is the Sookie Stackhouse Novels. I'm talking about True Blood. You might think that with all of the sex and gore in the show that the books might be written for adults. . .

I have to stop myself. I need to actually think before I put into words my judgements of Charlaine Harris. I have a lot to say but it needs to be worded just so. I may need to write a few drafts first. More to come later. . .

Day 12 - Sabrena Now

2011-04-27T09:04:00.000-07:00

Today I get to write whatever I want!!! Mwahahahaha!!! I was going to go on with that but for this post. . . innuendo makes me feel awkward, although it would have been hilarious. . .

Some news:

*My former neighbor, Sterling, now has a blog. Fiction I've read his first post. Sci-Fi meets the Sopranos meets Knight Rider.

Don't hassel the Hoff!

*Chris asked me to help him post a blog from his phone. He gave me his blog address. . .Yikes! Blues in Green

OKAY! So I read the first post! I wasn't anything bad. It was a nice photo of the U of M spinning cube and a short paragraph! Please check it out. . . maybe even comment??? Or follow?

**********************************************************


Tabitha and Sabrena - Stolen from Sabrena's Facebook

This is Sabrena now. She is 13 going on 25. I could tell you all about her first few years of life. How she would hand me her favorite doll and say "This is for you! I made it last night." Unfortunately, we only chat occasionally on Facebook and I don't know much about her anymore. She's growing up. Getting A's and B's in school. She has a few friends. She thinks I'm cool but always teases me about liking just about anything Harry Potter and my fear of The Haunted Depot. Sorry kiddo, I will never go through The Haunted Depot haunted house ever again.

I have a confession to make. When I was seven years old my dad made me and my two older sisters take a tour of the haunted house located in The Haunted Depot costume store/ice cream shop/souvenir shop. My sisters bailed on me and I was scared shitless. The tour guide wouldn't turn around but he let me hold his flashlight. Everything was cool until the girl whose shirt I was clinging to for dear life got her head chopped off by the reaper. Now, I would rather be carved up like Christmas ham by a real chainsaw wielding psychopath than see a man in a skeleton costume jump out from behind a curtain.

Anyway, Sabrena is a good kid. She loves photography, singing, and dancing. She has a dachshund named Lil' Man. She likes Eminem and Lil' Wayne. . . or is it Lil' Jon? I suggested that she listen to Dr. Dre because he produced a lot of Eminem and Lil' What's His Name. She said Dr. Dre "was okay." What?!!

I'm planning a trip up North in August. Hopefully I can spend a good amount of time getting to know my little sister. <3

Day 11 - Two pints and a shot

2011-04-25T04:22:00.000-07:00

Stolen from Chris' Facebook

Chris took this photo at Ashley's Pub in downtown An Arbor. It was a bad day at work and I was contemplating the longevity of my relationship. So, I didn't want Chris around. Afterward I wanted to enjoy as much beer as I could ingest without doing something retarded like dying. I waited 20 minutes for a booth and when my waiter brought my pint of Dogfishhead 90 Minute IPA and shot of tequila, I defiantly threw my lemon on the floor declaring "Fuck your lemons! I'm drinking like a man tonight!" The waiter rolled his eyes and walked away. He deals with that kind of crap all the time, right? I'm not crazy! I also wrote part of a letter to Ven that I've misplaced. (Not for Ven: I do a fun gifty thing to send you. I'm just looking for more gifty things to send with it. <3)

45 minutes later I had finished my second 90 Minute IPA I was done. In fact, I was nervous to walk my drunk ass home by myself. I sent Chris this text: cn you com and pckk me up at Assley's. is drnk. He immediately called asking if I was okay. "Sssurre. I'm fieeennee!!! Jus' a little drunk. Can you come an walk m' hommme?"

In no time Chris was at my table with a beer in his hand. That's about all that I remember. We took the blue bus home. I was apprehensive about it because I was drunk and that bus is always packed with students. Fortunately, U of M encourages their student to drink often by providing barf bags on all of their blue buses. Perhaps, the joy of ruining some U of M student's new North Face puffy coat would be a win for all pissed off downtown Ann Arbor workers who have to clean the bathroom walls and booths covered in that disgusting mixture of pizza and rum and coke.

Day 10 - Sabrena Then

2011-04-25T03:54:00.000-07:00

Day 10 - A Photo Taken of You Over Ten Years Ago

Stolen From Sabrena's Facebook

This is me and my little sister, Sabrena, on her third birthday. When I look at this photo I try not to think of what was actually going on when it was taken. Oh sure. You might think it's two sister happily celebrating a birthday. It's actually one sister celebrating her birthday while the other is trying not to feel like she's been thrown into the lion's den. I've never gotten along with my family. Especially my biological mother. . .

Anyway, we'll skip over my childhood issues for this one. I spent a lot of time with Sabrena during her first years. Not wanting her to grow up like I did. Blah, blah, blah. . .

This photo reminds me of my most vivid Sabrena memory. She was two years old. She was wearing pink pajamas with feet. Her and I were watching cartoons and having popcorn and chocolate milk. Unfortunately, the poor thing had eaten too much popcorn and she threw up brown chunky sludge all over herself. She stopped. Looked at the mess she was covered in. Looked at me with the saddest face ever and began to cry.

While working in preschools, many have wondered how I couldn't resist comforting the flu kids and the lice kids with a big squeeze. It's because of this moment. As she cried she reached out for me to comfort her. I was brought to tears by her sadness and scooped her up covering my front with the same brown sludge. I gave her a quick bath and put her in an old t-shirt and all was well. :)

Day 9 - The Time I Learned How to Excise a Cats Bladder

2011-04-24T18:27:00.000-07:00

Day - A photo you've taken

I wish I could remember her name.

When I first moved to Ann Arbor I lived above a cat clinic. My roommate worked there and part of her job was checking on the cats at night after the clinic had closed. I would often accompany her when she did this duty.

I fell in love with this cat. She was found in a dumpster. They say she was an experiment. Someone was trying to make a hybrid, like a puggle, and she was created. Unfortunately, she was born without a tail. Did you know that without a tail a cat, not sure about dogs, is unable to go to the bathroom on her own?

Fortunately, she was brought to the clinic before it was too late. If she had gotten an infection or had never been able to go she would surely have died. Every few hours one of us would hold her over the sink and gently squeeze below her stomach. Poor thing. One of the clinic employees adopted her and as far as I know, she is living a happy life. :)

Day 8 - Angel-AH!!

2011-04-23T16:06:00.000-07:00

Day 8 - A Photo that makes me sad.

This is Angela, a.k.a. Angel-AH!, I took this picture on a Saint Patrick's night out. This picture makes me sad because it reminds me of a time when I was proud of the person I was and I had friends that I spent much time with. Angela was probably one of the best friends I've ever had, although a few of my other friends couldn't stand her.

We shared an English class our Freshman year of college but we didn't hang out until a year later. Angela was good to me. Despite her multiple attempts to convert me into a Beatles fan and her love of chick flicks, Angela was good to me. She was always willing to give me advice, even if I didn't ask for it. She would spring for taco bell and/or drinks if I was broke. She would invite me to spend time in lower Michigan with her welcoming family. Most of all, she helped me the best she knew how when I was really depressed. Like insane crazy lady depressed. That's where I fucked up.

I was a dumbass. I was depressed. All I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and wait for death. . . alone. Angela wouldn't have it! She tried cheering me up with movies. Made sure that Taco Bell was available to me when it was time to eat. Tried to get me out of the house and made sure that I made it to work. She gave me a shoulder to cry on. She did what no one else would do and exactly what I needed, despite my objections. One day in a depressed fit of rage I told Angela that she was causing unnecessary drama between myself and a couple of friends that didn't like her. I told her that we couldn't be friends anymore. She had also started dating a boy that I was interested in although I knew I wasn't ready to start dating. I may have needed it but I didn't want anyone to take care of me. I just wanted to be left alone, so I searched for excuses to get her to leave me alone. It worked.

Angela moved away from Sault Ste. Marie a few months later. I've tried contacting her on MySpace and Facebook. I've sent her many emails of apology but have not received a response. Not that I deserve one. Sometimes I like to imagine that everything is still cool between us and she make the trip farther south to visit me because I know that she would do so often. It's a bittersweet thing.

Day 7 - Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'n ' Roll

2011-04-22T07:26:00.000-07:00

Day 7 - A photo that makes me happy.

I took this photo at Blissfest, a sort of popular music festival in Michigan, in 2008. What could be more fun than drinking beer, smokey treats, and dancing in a crowd of hippies with your friends? Happy bliss! :)

Day 6

2011-04-20T22:45:00.000-07:00

It's day 6 of the 30 Day Challenge. According to my list, it should be day 9. Sorry. I meant to stay on task.

Anyway, it's day 6 and I can say whatever I want. I told Jared that I've written about him in my blog. He went from "blogs are gay" to wanting to read about my deepest darkest whatever. Since he's been harassing me all night I've been thinking. What is the subject of my blog? I guess it's an online journal. A place for me to share my happiest moments and my deepest darkest whatever.

I've written about happy things as well as unhappy things. I haven't actually written about my deepest darkest whatever. Sure I've touched on what bothers me most but the way it effects me and my feelings on that... I guess my fear is that I may upset my readers. What if I scare you all away? All of your advice and encouragement is a major part of my success. You've helped me keep my sanity.

I've been out of sorts lately and I think I need to write about it. No. I know I need to write about it. I know that it will help as blogging about it has helped me in the past. So, if it's cool some posts will be from my darker more secretive side. Of course I will be writing about the wonderful things in my life. College, cats, Chris. You've helped me get here and I plan on sharing my joy with you as I move forward with my life. :)

Day 5

2011-04-18T16:20:00.000-07:00

Favorite Quote - "Small Change got rained on by his own .38"

I don't really have a favorite quote but these Tom Waits lyrics have been stuck in my head all day. :)

Yeah. I like Ayn Rand. So what??

2011-04-17T11:31:00.000-07:00

Favorite Book - Anthem by Ayn Rand

This book was required reading in high school. The only required high school reading that I could finish. It's only 98 pages. It has action, romance, mystery. It's a story about a man who is looking for more out of life. Unfortunately, his strict society is set in it's ways. As a teenager, I felt I could relate to Equality-72521.

Day 3

2011-04-17T09:37:00.000-07:00

Favorite TV show - Frasier

I love Frasier! My favorite episode is Season 10 Episode 2. "Enemy At The Gate." Frasier refuses to pay a parking fee and protests at the toll booth. Here is the best part of the episode:

Day 2

2011-04-14T17:17:00.000-07:00

One thing that sucks about working until 4am is that when I'm trying to sleep people are digging up their driveways and tending to their lawns. The house next door has had a woodchipper running all morning. So, it's not really day 2. It's still day 1 but according to my list it's actually day 4.

Favorite Movie - Let's Go To Prison. The cast is great and it's hilarious and quotable. Check it out! :)

Celebrating with the 30 Day Challenge

2011-04-13T21:52:00.000-07:00

My classes are scheduled and my financial aid has been finalized. Classes start on May 10th and I'll be able to buy books with financial aid on May 9th. I'm going back to college!!! I really didn't think I would ever get the chance to go back. To celebrate I'll be doing the 30 Day Challenge that Vencora posted on her blog: Coffee With a Hint of Self Delusion.

Day 1

Favorite Song - Hey Man Nice Shot by Fiilter

It's hard for me to pick my all-time favorite song. My musical tastes change according to my mood. . . well, you know about my moods. I've been listening to this song for the last couple of weeks over and over and over. . . Why do I like it? It puts me in the mood to kick some ass! It also reminds me this scene:

So, I Freaker Out A Lilttle

2011-04-12T08:34:00.000-07:00

It strange to me that we live in a world where people are homophobic. It's even more strange to me that people still think women are pieces of shit that they can treat however they feel. What year is this??

I got into a fight with a driver last night, Algerianguy. Algerianguy and I have a love/hate relationship. He always reminds me that I'm fat and old. That no one will want to marry me because I'm too old. And I'll never have kids. He also told me that I should get a job as a receptionist instead of going back to Culinary school. I suppose now it's just a hate relationship. Lazy fuck! Some of the drivers are lazy and they will fight and whine until they get their way. I can't believe how they talk to everyone, even Sal! And they get their way when they pull this shit! If they acted the way that they do at any other job they would have been fired! (*#W&*%$#!!!!!

I suppose I should tell you what happened. Two things:

When you change the trash, you should tie a knot in the side of the bag so that as the trash can is filled the bag doesn't get sucked in. When that happens you have to dig through the nasty trash or wrestle with the can to change it. It's annoying. Drivers never tie a knot in the bag.

After 1am it is the drivers' job to clean the tables and take out the trash. Counter staff is usually too busy to do these tasks after 1am. Between 8 and 10 it is the last time counter staff will take out the trash. There is a new girl at work. We'll call her Doppelganger because I like that word and she looks almost exactly like a friend of mine.

Unfortunately, when Doppelganger changed the trash earlier she forgot to tie a knot in the bag. The bag fell into the trash. Algerianguy was to lazy to fix the situation, even though it's his job, so he made a fuss saying that we hadn't changed the trash earlier. I saw Doppelganger change it. The Dragon saw Doppelganger change it. After a few minutes of arguing with him about it, the Dragon gave up. I started yelling.

Algerianguy: This is gross. She didn't change the trash earlier. I know this.

Doppelganger: I changed it.

Jenaphur: *frustrated, getting louder* She changed it! We saw her! Do your job!

Algerianguy: She didn't change it. Since you can't shut up, you gonna change it!

Jenaphur: I'm not going to change it. She's not going to changem it! Do your fucking job and change it!

Algerianguy: You can"t talk me like that! Just shut up and change this!

Jenaphur: I can't talk to you like that?! You say what ever you want to me all the time! Quit being fucking lazy and do your job? If you don't like it maybe you should find another one!

Doppelganger: *walking towards Algerianguy who is yelling again* If it's that big of a deal, I'll change it.

Jenaphur: *realizing that Doppelganger probably thinks she is nuts* It's not about the trash! It's about. . . ugh. *The Dragon walks over*

Algerianguy: . . .I'm gonna complain to Sal tomorrow. . .

The Dragon: Alright! Let's chill out! Doppelganger changed the trash. It's over. Let's finish our shit and go home.

Jenaphur: *silently staring at The Dragon, assesses the situation and walks off with her stuff while Algerianguy continues to complain to The Dragon*

2011-04-09T03:48:00.000-07:00

Chris and I haven't had much time to see each other lately. He works days and I work nights. I've also been letting my co-workers suck the life force out of me by covering any shifts I can before school starts. We've been taking advantage of any opportunity to hang out. He picks me up from work at 4am and we hang out for about an hour. There is the half hour after he gets home from work and I'm getting ready to leave. We also have two evenings together where we make delicious foods and watch Jeopardy. Everyone must be home for Jeopardy! It's the rule.

Yesterday I met Chris for lunch. I found him just as I was heading into the university hospital. We went to Angelo's. It's a pretty popular place. I was shocked that Chris had never been there. I had eaten there once as kid.

We picked up our food and had lunch in the lobby of the Bioscience Research Building. Angelo's was packed.

Later that evening a woman I had seen at Angelo's came into the pizza place. I asked her if she had Angelo's for lunch. She gave me the stalker look but was pleased when she realized that I was going to feed her to my cats. She then shook my hand and said that she knew who Chris was. The nice boy that serves her coffee.

That's Just The Way It Is

2011-04-08T06:36:00.000-07:00

We had to spend the day out of the apartment yesterday. Maintenance stuff. Mercutio and Chupacabra had to spend the day with Chris' dad, Jeff. My plan was to wander around Ann Arbor blogging and switching between coffee and alcohol. Perhaps some House of the Dead 2 at Pinball Pete's. The rain was putting a damper on my plans, plus having only two hours of sleep and wanting to crawl back into bed didn't help. I was greatful yet apprehensive when Jeff-see! I typed it!-threw my backpack in the backseat saying "You didn't have any plans today, did you?" I was a little nervous. Could I spend the day hanging out with Jeff? Could I stay awake? "Uhh. . . not really" I replied.

I spent the day sitting on the couch watching C-SPAN and CNN while Jeff ranted about politics. I don't follow politics but I do know better than to get in the middle that debate, so I remained silent on the couch only speaking in agreement when it fit into the conversation.

I tried to help him edit a t-shirt design with Photoshop Elements. Unfortunately, I was so tired that I couldn't remember how to get it started. Seeing my interest in graphic design, he brought out his portfolio which included samples from a previous job as a. . . public relations guy I guess and samples from his former graphic and video business. Occasionally, you can see commercials that he had made 20 years ago throughout Michigan.

He also tried to talk me into talking Chris into moving into his trailer; saying that he would make repairs and upgrades if he knew that someone would move into it when he moves out. He's been planning on moving closer to graduate school where he's working on his Masters in Business.

We appreciate the offer but having been raised in trailers were ready to move on. I did think about it for a second though. Who doesn't want a free three bedroom home?

It was four o'clock and I could barely keep my eyes open. I probably looked like a crazy person. I kept my eyes open wide in an attempt to look awake but he didn't seem to notice. The phone rang. It was Chris saying that we could return to the apartment. The need to sleep propelled me to throw cats in cages and get out the door as fast as I could.

When we arrived at the apartment I thanked him and we exchanged an awkward hug. I enjoyed my day with Jeff. I ordered a Hungry Howies pizza. I shoveled down half of a large pizza and was asleep on the couch by 6 o'clock. It was a long day.

Then There Was The Cookie Incident

2011-04-04T04:20:00.000-07:00

I'd like to say that I'm not the jealous. I am.I pride myself on being the non-possessive flexible girlfriend. I'm extremely jealous. I try my best to suppress such feelings but right now I need to unload.

Chris, his dad, and I went to Andy's house for dinner Saturday night. In my mind I was entering enemy territory but for Chris I wanted to be on my best behavior. The things we do for love, eh? That's another story. I'll stick to the task at hand.

Did I tell you that Andy has a girlfriend? They moved in together a couple of months ago. She seems nice but I feel that making friends with your boyfriend's brother's girlfriend is like making friends with the devil. Oh yeah, there's that other thing. Chris is totally hot for her.

I know that it's human nature to find people attractive apart from the one your with just as much as it is to be jealous. It still brings out my feminine insecurities. He could at least try to not gawk and drool when I'm not around. The irrational thing would be for me to freak out. Any woman that I grew up around would do that.

Christmas was when I noticed there was something going on. I watched him check her out for at least 15 seconds. I stared at him dead in the face while he gave her the old elevator eyes for at least 15 seconds! He finally noticed that I was looking, snapped out of his trance, and tried to make conversation with me like nothing happened. I looked at him, gave him my your-an-asshole look said "You're funny."

The first time I noticed on Saturday when ten minutes after we arrived. We were standing outside. I was in the middle of a sentence and she came up from the basement and walked past him. First his head swung around and the rest of his body eventually followed as she walked across the yard to the shed. I hate it when he gawks like that but even more I hate it when he ignores me mid sentence. It happens often. GRRRRRR!!!! I hate boys!

Then there was the cookie incident which makes me wonder if it isn't more than physical attraction. She had made some oatmeal raisin cookies. . . with almonds. Let me tell you like I've told Chris on more than one occasion:

I DO NOT LIKE OATMEAL COOKIES, I VERY MUCH ENJOY A HOT STEAMY BOWL OF OATMEAL, BUT I DO NOT LIKE OATMEAL COOKIES! OATMEAL SHOULD NOT BE INGESTED IN A SOLID STATE! ALSO, I DO NOT LIKE RAISINS!

The Cookie Incident:

**Sara sits on a bar stool with a puppy in her lap.**

Chris: Jenaphur look, Sara made cookies. Want to try one?

Jenaphur: *A little annoyed cringes at the cookies* They look good but no thanks. I don't like oatmeal or. . .

Chris: I know you don't like oatmeal cookies but they look really good. . . and they have almonds! I'll split one with you. Sara made them.

Jenaphur: *pissed* No! I don't want a cookie!

I don't like oatmeal cookies! It's like eating a disgusting flavored rock with razor blades sticking out of it! Christ!!! Why would he think that something that I find to be one of the most disgusting edibles on the planet tasty-looking? There are three major ingredients: oatmeal, raisins, and almonds. I only like one of those ingredients! The least of these major ingredients! The cookies are predominantly oatmeal and raisin! That's why they are called oatmeal raisin cookies with almonds! What the fuck!

Before I decided to do my best to mentally leave the situation there was one last moment. I sort of embarrassed myself right before dinner but that mostly another story. After this moment I sort of zoned out enough to look coherent and somewhat interested yet I wasn't really there.

She was bent over taking biscuits out of the oven. Everybody got an eyeful. Eyes completely fixed on ass. They go up, they go down, they follow it over to the counter. Chris still in a daze turns his attention toward me I say something thinking he's actually listening then she says something, while I'm in mid-sentence AGAIN he jumps in not trying to hide his eagerness to join the probably more interesting conversation. When I finally got his attention I gave him the you're-an-asshole look and said "you're funny".

My Heart Is An Idiot

2011-04-03T04:43:00.000-07:00

I often think about when I first moved to Ann Arbor. I had big city dreams back then. It seems now that all I have to look forward to is hoping that my bills are paid and another night sitting in front of the television.

The above picture is from the night I ate dinner at the Blue Nile. An Ethiopian Place on Liberty. . . or is it Huron? It's the kind of place where everyone pays out the ass so that they can share a giant plate of food that they all have to eat with their fingers. I loved it! I've tried to get people to eat at The Blue Nile with me. The whole eating communal style without utensils is a turn off. They have an endless supply of warm and wet cloths to clean your hands and they give you bread that you use to pick up your food. It's not bad at all. I'd go by myself but it's expensive and not meant for just one person.

How about the time that my roommate and I had that sudden burst of creativity! We found a paint giveaway on craigslist. We drove far and wide in the middle of the night to pick up the paint. We painted the living room walls with bright colors. Crazy designs. . . good times. That is my wall. I tried to paint my bedroom. It didn't turn out very well.

I loved this apartment. Even though I had a roommate, I had my own space. We a living room and kitchen. It was great! I even had a balcony and nothing made me happier than stepping out onto the balcony on my bathrobe to enjoy a smokey treat. (Note to self: Blog about Poe.)

This room was meant as a closet. What person that lives in an apartment needs a closet that's as big as their bedroom!? This picture was pre-horrendous paint job.

Anyway, as I was loading boxes into my new room, they were shooting a movie there. Not that kind of movie! I had known about the movie but didn't realize they were still filming when I arrived. They had to use the room a couple more times after I moved in. I felt special. How many people get to say "Yeah. They made that right here!" It's called "My Heart is an Idiot". It's a documentary about love directed by Davy Rothbart founder of Found Magazine. I believe that he had some strange obsession with the former occupant of said room, an old friend of mine from high school, Sara. No! I'm not dropping any names!

I'm excited to announce that "My Heart is an Idiot" is finally ready and will be premiering at the Michigan Theater on April 22nd. Maybe I won't see my name in lights or be invited to the after-party but I'd still like to see the movie.

27 Cents

2011-03-30T23:08:00.000-07:00

Chris has been a little down lately. I can't help but feel like I'm somewhat to blame. He works at the U of M hospital. His job is to stock all of the coffee carts throughout the link, which is part of the med school and five other hospitals that are connected. As far as I know, he is the only one with his position.

They have also trained him to run each coffee cart. He often fills in for vacationing baristas and covers for many so they can take their lunch breaks which means that he often doesn't get breaks. The starting wage for a barista is $9.50 an hour. This is $.27 more than he makes now... after working there for the last two years.

He often works extra hours so that baristas can get breaks and so that he can finish his own work. He works very hard and deserves recognition for this. He says that this job is soul crushing. He is currently looking for better work. He says that his boss is a cool guy. I told him that he should try and talkto his boss and see if he could get a pay raise. He did. His boss sent Chris to the guy above him. For organizational purposes we'll call the big boss "douche."

Chris went to Douche saying that he likes his co-workers and his job isn't that bad but he thinks that if he does his job and the job of a barista, why couldn't he get paid the same wage as a barista. He even asked if there might be a barista position that he could transfer to. Douche told him that he should be happy that he even has a job in this economy.

Chris is never unhappy. He's always optimistic. I'm sure that sometimes he's just keeping up appearances to keep me happy. I can't remember seeing him so unhappy. He told his boss that he would start looking for another job which seemed to make his boss nervous. He also said that what upsets him the most is that if he had a job interview, he wouldn't have anything to wear and he couldn't afford a new outfit anyway. I hope this job doesn't break his spirit. Employment can do that sometimes.

I Secretly Wish I Was Martha Stewart

2011-03-27T03:15:00.000-07:00

So, Chris has started blogging. I don't intend to read it. He deserves his own private space. I did want to find the address to it so I could post it. I couldn't find it. . . yet.

I have found that there are 5,700 Blogger bloggers in Ann Arbor. According to Lydia pleases the crafter in me.

After These Important Messages

2011-03-27T03:04:00.000-07:00

I tried a slice of cheese with anchovies the other night. It was disgusting.

Mercutio likes to use the computer. He wants to start his own blog. Unfortunately, he doesn't have opposable thumbs.

I took a walk down Michael Jackson Alley the other day. Unfortunately, the mysterious dancer was neither seen nor heard. It is actually called Graffiti Alley.

2011-03-26T04:42:00.000-07:00

So, I was reading Ven's blog this morning. I was playing "Roxanne" and singing, replacing "Roxanne" with "Mercutio" as I often do with song lyrics. Chris poked his head out of the shower and asked what the noise was and if I was okay. Perhaps I should keep the singing to myself.

this one kind of gives me the creeps

I'm working this afternoon for Jared. Only until midnight though.I actually had something to write about but I can't remember what it was.

College preparations are running smoothly. My financial aid was finalized yesterday and I'm registered for three classes. 10 credits. I'll be taking the following:

   1. Everyday College Math
                                 2. Criminology
                                 3. Hygiene and Sanitation

My classes are only two days a week but they will take up most or all of the day. I'll be cutting my work schedule down too. I'm debating between 30-35 hours a week. Maybe even 25 hours a week. My plan is to borrow only what I have to to cover college expenses and rent. My plan is to pay a semesters worth of rent ahead of time. If work and school become too much I don't want to feel guilty about cutting my hours at work.

I want to make college work this time. I AM GOING TO FINISH. I'm trying to be as positive as I can about going back to school. My head is swimming with self-sabotaging thoughts but I'm trying to block them out with positive verbalization. This is my last chance to finish college and make something of myself. I don't want to ruin it.

I've also been dealing with some Negative Nessies at work. There is Jared who says "I've never seen you cook. You don't even like it. Culinary School is a bad choice." Then there is Brahim who always tells me that I'll never get married if I don't lose some weight, "Jenpura! You don't want this cooking school! Do the nursing program. Get a job as a the lady that answers the phones. What is she called? They make good money. This cooking school is not for you."

Chris has been very encouraging. His thing now is this:

"Hey Jenaphur?"

"Yeah?"

"Guess what?"

"What?"

"You're going to Culinary School! Isn't that awesome?"

I had to go to orientation the other night. I left with a smile. As I arrived at the corner before the bus stop the bus I had planned to take passed me. I walked home, crying and thinking that maybe college just wasn't for me. I told Chris what happened as took my shoes off. His reply: "You can catch a bus to the transit center and catch the three." I moped a little, "I don't think I'll make it in time. The bus leaves in a few minutes." Chris put my shoes in front of me, "I'd love to spend the evening with you but I think you can make the bus if you hurry. You can do it." I slowly put my shoes on but as soon as I was out of the building I ran to the bus stop. As I got on the bus to the transit center I asked the driver to hold the three. He rolled his eyes and pushed a few buttons. The three pulled up to the transit center just after my bus had arrived. It's nice to have someone around that has a positive attitude that encourages me to do my best to better myself. . . even if he drives me batshit sometimes.

Jeff

2011-03-22T20:14:00.000-07:00

I just listened to the voicemail messages I've been avoiding all week. The most unsettling message began "Hey Chris and Jenaphur, this is dad..." as in Chris' dad. It makes me a little nervous that he referred to himself as "dad" in a voicemail left on my phone.

Jeff has always been very nice to me. I've always been pretty standoffish toward his gestures of... love... I guess. He once told me he loved me. In a daughter-in-law context of course. I gave him a frightened look, said "have a good night", and ran into the apartment.

He always gives me a hug before we part ways. I always try to hide behind the crowd or plant myself on the couch. Still he leans over and gives me a fatherly squeeze anyway. I've been trying to stand up now, before he gets to me. Last time we exchanged hugs I stood up as he was bending over. I almost bumped his nose with my forehead. Awkward. He said "It's okay. You don't have to get up."

In my phone book he is listed under "Chris Dad". Chris noticed one day and wondered why I didn't refer to him as Dad or Jeff. A fear of getting to close to someone I guess. Jeff is cool though. He's helped me out a lot and includes me in family functions. He was really upset when I didn't join him and Chris.

So, this person obviously cares about me and has no intentions of doing me harm. Why can't I accept and reciprocate these feelings?

Have You Ever Wondered Why Chefs Wear Such Tall Hats?

2011-03-20T02:48:00.000-07:00

So, college. . . I'm feeling nervous and overwhelmed and excited. I didn't think I would be starting school so soon. That was my fault though, I applied immediately after I returned home from work the other night and since Washtenaw is an open enrollment college, I was accepted as soon as I sent the application. I'll be starting classes in May but I can't register for them for another two days.

I won't be taking actual culinary classes until the Fall. That gives me all summer to find a fancy set of knives. You know, the kind with the fancy leather roll-up case. Actually, I believe that they have special knives for students with grippy handles. You know, so we don't lose any fingers when we're learning fancy cutting techniques. That's right, someone is actually going to show me how to use multiple knives! Mwahahaha!! I wonder if I'll be considered a lethal weapon. Will I get to carry my knives on a plane? Even more awesome: ice sculpting! It's required. Sharp knives, saws, hot heavy pans. That's hot.

I went to take care of some collegey business the other day and I stopped at the bookstore to see what culinary items they had available. I think I had a small orgasm when I saw the chef whites. Fortunately I don't think I'll be able to carry poison under my hat like they did back in the day. You know, health codes and murder being against the law and such.

I'll be taking three classes. Hygiene and Sanitation, Algebra, and Philosophy. I'll also be dropping to 30 hours a week at work. My fellow employees, especially Jared will not be very happy. . . actually, I think Jared will be the only one that isn't happy. He expressed these feeling the other day saying that if his schedule got all screwed up because I wanted to go back to school then he would be seriously pissed at me. I told him that that could happen but school is more important to me than my co-workers feelings toward me and I don't make the schedule. Sometimes boys are funny. I think he's sad that we won't be working together as much and no one at work is nicer to him than I am.

Don't Be a Fool, Stay in School

2011-03-15T20:45:00.000-07:00

I'm at work right now. Something awesome and not work related just happened...

I had alsome downtime so I decided to check my email. My inbox contained a letter from the financial aid people telling me that changes were made to my application. Every year, immediately after doing my taxes, I fill out a FAFSA. Every year my response from them is something like "you have defaulted on a loan. Contact the following to clear this up." this was also the response I received a month ago. Tonight my response was "you are eligible for up to $5,500 in pel grants!"

I'm so happy somebody could shit on my face and it wouldn't matter! :)

I Can't Find a Decent Internet Connection

2011-03-15T10:13:00.000-07:00

Normally I would go to Espresso Royale on State Street but the bus stop is closer to Espresso Royale on Main Street. Also, they do have wireless internet but it isn't working at the moment. Poop.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

2011-03-13T08:44:00.000-07:00

So, I've made a lot of poor ~~financial~~ decisions. They have definitely hindered me in the long run. For the last few months I've been trying to accept blame. I'm always so quick to try and blame something or someone else. Work is a good place to work on myself because I'm always around people and I have a lot of freedom and college kids will find any reason to try and get free food.

(Side story: During bar rush last night the students were in a mood. Every time I turned to put a slice in the oven, one kid would reach around the glass, steal a garlic knot, and stuff it in his mouth. I turned to face a drunk boy with a mouth full of garlic knots as he his last treasure on the counter mid grab. I gave him a short lecture about how stealing is not cool and told him not to do it again. I thought it was kind of funny.)

Okay. Back to my poor decisions, blame, etc. Here are some cool developments in order of awesomeness. . .

Chris often makes my computer payment. He's the one with a bank account and it saves me a hour trip. He asked the computer store clerk how much I had left to pay on my computer: $344! If I don't scrounge up the cash and pay it off all at once, I'll be paid off by July!! I do the whole rent to own thing, so when my computer is finally paid off, I will have an extra $152 a month!!
I have a bank account! I found a bank that is so desperate they have no choice but to trust that I won't owe them at the end of our relationship. It's only a savings but it's better than having a fat wad in my wallet to spend as I please.

The state and federal government took my tax return this year. . . and last year. Yeah. They probably would have garnished my wages if I had had a bank account. It's frustrating but they are applying it to debt that I haven't been able to fit in my budget. . . yet I can spend $152 a month on a computer. Yeah I know. I owed Lake State University $318 and the state sent them $242. If I send them $74, I'll be able to get my transcripts. If I get my transcripts and give them to Washtenaw Community College all I need is a math credit, a science credit, a statistics class, and maybe a social science credit and I can get a Liberal Arts degree. So, it's not a Culinary degree. Would I be so stupid to pass up two semesters worth of part time classes so I can earn a college degree? The hard part: saving for college.

Most importantly, I received the best hair cut I've ever had! Priorities. I've never been able to walk out of the salon fully satisfied with a haircut until yesterday! :)

I Often Think About Tsunamis

2011-03-11T03:44:00.000-08:00

**WARNING: I couldn't sleep, so I just started typing.**

It's 5:40am. I can't sleep. I woke up with a horrible headache. Normally at this time I would be nodding off on the couch after a long shift. Friday is my day shift though. I'm thinking blog, cigarette, go back to sleep.

Have I ever told you that my worst fear is tsunamis? I just opened Firefox and there was a tsunami alert. Freaky! You can't run from a thirty foot wall of water! I always assume that when a tsunami hits the whole town is hanging out at the beach sipping umbrella drinks. Unsuspecting.

I don't pray. I don't care for organized religion. I often find it hard to separate spirituality from religion. I admire those who have found religion/spirituality and enjoy it. Like Granny. I used to hate her for it. In my late teens I was fascinated by Buddhism and Hinduism. I often get the two mixed up. I would spend most of my free time reading about these religions. Practicing meditation, mantras, and asanas. I've even gone to a few kirtans. Nothing gives me peace like the Hari Krishna Mantra. Spiritual (insert anti-anxiety drug here). I carry it with me on my mp3 player. My favorite one to listen to is Boy George. Could you imagine Boy George as a swami? I'm still holding my breath until the Dalai Lama comes back to speak in Ann Arbor. Could you imagine being in the same room with him?

Boy George played at the casino/hotel I used to work at. He called us barbarians because we had trouble finding an international operator or something. Something with a phone line. Later that night, he was booed off stage. What do you expect from a predominantly white hick town in the middle of nowhere?! He later apologized for calling us barbarians.

Perhaps honesty is not the best policy.

2011-03-01T15:56:00.000-08:00

Chris stopped by the pizza place after his shift at the hospital. We were talking for a minute, about how we often bite our tongues over certain things that irritate us about the other person. Of course I had to ask "like what."

I decided to divulge a little somethin' somethin'. Perhaps I should have kept my mouth shut. I told him that sometimes when I'm watching tv I think "This is what my life is going to be like. Forever." and I wwant to shoot myself in the face.

Perhaps I shouldn't have been so dark and candid. Oops.

Giovanni Gives It to an Old Lady

2011-02-27T02:26:00.000-08:00

We closed the pizza place an hour early tonight. It's Spring Break so the college students are gone. I made $31.90 in tips tonight. I worked with the new guy and Giovanni, the youngest brother, my boss and part owner of the pizza place. I like Giovanni. He's kind of an angry guy but he's cool with his employees. He's friendly and reliable and always sticks up for his employees. If he doesn't like you he won't be afraid to tell you which a little old couple found out tonight.

They come in every other week and order two Busters. . . that's what the cool kids call it. That's a 10" 1 topping pizza and a 24 oz. drink for $5.49. It's a pretty good deal considering that a 10" cheese pie by itself is $7.50. They are pretty particular about their pizzas and will send them back if they aren't exactly like they want. They will only order from certain counter staff. The wife is a bitch. They demand free condiments that we normally charge for. They demand that we serve them at their table. WE ARE NOT WAITRESSES!!!

Scene: Pizza Place. Girl Standing Behind counter awkwardly eyes up elderly couple staring at her over the glass.

Jenaphur wonders if she should ask to serve them or not. Giovanni wanted to talk to them when they came in next but he's on the phone. A line is forming. Jenaphur steps toward the counter. "Hi. How can I help you?"

Old couple looks around for other counter staff. Their choices are the new guy or somewhat experienced counter girl. The old lay steps up and says "I don't know if you can help me. Is there anyone else?"

"Uh. Okay. Giovanni wanted to talk to. . ."

"Well, maybe you can help me. We come here all the time." They start spitting out their orders along with snyde comments about how Jenaphur had better not mess it up followed by "are you sure you know what you're doing?"

Giovanni steps up. "Hey guys. I have to talk to you about something. I can take your order." He puts their order in and the old lady asks "are you sure you know how to make our pizza?"
"Ma'am. I've been doing this for 13 years. I can make your pizza. Now last week New York guy told you that you couldn't get the Buster and use the $2 off coupon but I let you have it. If I give it to you for $3.50 I'm losing money. I can only give you one coupon at a time. I wasn't paying attention and I made my employee looks like an ass. It was my fault. I'll let you do it again this week but after that I can't give you the $2 off coupon."

Old lady is upset now. "The Buster isn't a coupon! You have to give us the $2 off! This is ridiculous!"

Giovanni is mad now. "Ma'am. You've been coming here for 13 years and I appreciate your business but you treat my employees like crap. I've had multiple complaints about you and your husband. You are rude to them. You make up ridiculous orders and constantly send back perfectly good food. Do you do that just to mess with them? You never clean up after yourselves and you never tip."

Old lady is shocked. "That's not true. Why are you attacking me?"

"It's true. Ask one of my employees." Giovanni walks away and Jenaphur seems to be caught in an awkward situation.

"Is this true? We're not rude to you."

Jenaphur hesitates, not knowing what the right answer is. "Well. . . I tried taking your order the first few times but now I just ignore you. You didn't even give me a chance. You just assumed that I would make a mistake." The phone rings and Jenaphur slips away.

Will Bitchy Old Couple ever return? Stay tuned eventually for. . .

Dear Dr. Katz

2011-02-22T09:35:00.000-08:00

Dear Dr. Katz,

You're a good. . . um. . . almost doctor. Thanks for giving me that cortisone shot this morning. I'm a little sore, just like you said I would be, but I'm sure it'll do the trick for at least a little while. I know you were apprehensive about giving it to me when you found out that I don't have any insurance. Thanks for having a financial advisor talk to me about low income insurance options. I've been waiting to hear from MSupport for a while now.

I'm sorry I burst into tears when you suggested that I wait for MSupport before I got the cortisone shot but I've been anticipating this for a while now. I'll figure out a way to pay for it. I know you're still a young doctor and you still know what empathy is. I noticed your quivering bottom lip as I spewed a teary guilt trip about not being able to finish simple tasks like laundry.

More than anything I'm embarrassed. Although everything I said was true, a part of me feels like I took advantage of your kindness. I know you said that the shot could work for a month or two or even years. Keep your fingers crossed that it works until I move somewhere with universal health care. . . like Vancouver. I've always wanted to live there. Anyway, I know you did your best for me today and I'll think of you and smile when I'm painlessly changing my shirt an eleven hour shift or lifting an unruly three year old because I'm definitely going to have to pick up some extra shifts to pay for this!

Thanks again!

Jenaphur

Dr. Appointment

2011-02-22T05:22:00.000-08:00

I have an appointment with Dr. Katz this morning. :) Not Dr. Jonothan Katz, psychiatrist to many famous comedians. That would be awesome. Dr. Andrew Katz. He's a doctor only not. He's finishing Med School and he always has to have his overseeing doctors assess me as well. Not that he's a bad doctor. He listens very well, is thorough, and flexible. He's pretty easy on the eyes too.

Today I am getting an annual physical and a shot in my shoulder. I can't wait to get that shot! Chris and I are going to play air hockey later! I'm a little nervous about it. 30 minutes of air hockey kills me and with an 11 hour shift right afterward I'm afraid I'll be in pain all night and all day tomorrow. Dr. Katz said that the shot should work immediately and indefinitely. Keep your fingers crossed because I plan to spend a lot more time at Pinball Pete's. Air Hockey and House of the Dead II have been calling my name for a while and I can't ignore them any longer!

I Always Bribe Myself with a New Toy

2011-02-19T10:17:00.000-08:00

It was Valentine's Day. I woke up angry. Not angry about anything in particular. Just angry. Chris left for work. I had a couple of hours before the glass store opened. I wanted to buy him a new Bob Marley or Led Zeppelin t-shirt to go with the copy of Monty Python and the Holy Grail I had to purchase later.

I spent the morning watching Ultimate Crocodile on Netflix and thinking about the basement incident. How can you act like that in someone else's house! I can't comprehend it. It occurred to me that I'm probably the only one who thinks about it. The only one still bitching about it and because of that Chris was being effected by it. It was time for extreme measures. I started my pep talk ~~crazy lady who talks to herself rant~~ the usual way:

"Suck it up Jenaphur! It's time to make a change for the better. I know you think you hate Andy but is he really that bad? You have had some fun times together. Remember when he invited you to go with him to pick up his new amp? I know that forgiveness seems like you're letting him fuck you in the ass but you'll be taking back your control. You're not saying what happened was okay. You're giving him another chance. The last chance. If he ruins it you can oust him from your house forever. If Chris doesn't like he can join Andy. The next time you see Andy you will be nice and casual. Enough of this awkward standoffish demeanor. . . I'll buy you a fancy phone when you get your taxes back. Hmm?? What do you say kiddo? Phone, digital camera, and mp3 player in one. All you have to do is show a little humility and forgiveness. You can do it!"

I had only a few hours to find a present. It was 11 and Chris would be home by 5. I tried to find a t-shirt at Stairway to Heaven, a glass store in downtown Ann Arbor. I walked out empty handed and frustrated. I walked toward the transit center, intending to catch the bus to the Target near my place. As I walked past the pizza place Andy came around the corner. "Damn you karma!" I thought. Andy stopped, records in hand, with a big smile. "Hey! How's it going? What brings you downtown?" He offered me a ride to Target saying that it wasn't in his direction but "what the hell!" I felt guilty taking a ride from him considering all of the distaste I've expressed about him. "Suck it up Jenaphur! This is about forgiveness! Take the damn ride and do your best at friendly conversation. I want witty banter the whole ride! It'll only be five minutes."

He took me to the wrong Target. I knew I was in trouble when he said he wished he knew where Best Buy was. It's near the Target I thought we were going to. Why I didn't say anything, I'll never know. The car ride was 15 minutes but we had a nice conversation. Catching up on each others' lives and even relating about our frustration with the indecisiveness of our partners. I told him that I wanted to get one more thing for Chris but I wasn't sure what to get. He stated the obvious. "He's not that hard to please. Get him a gram and a bag of Reese's. He'll be happy with that." Duh!

The action dies after that. I bought presents and took the bus home. You know the rest.

You're Missing Important Plot Points

2011-02-19T08:44:00.000-08:00


Stolen from Ven because she takes better photos than I do.

See the boy in the middle with the guitar? That's Andy. He's Chris' younger brother. The first time that we met was at Denny's. I didn't like him. He was rude and off-putting but when Chris left the room we the age old Zombies vs. Infected debate. Maybe he wasn't so bad. There was a time when Andy practically lived with us. He was over everyday. He would eat dinner with us and I would spend evenings watching he and Chris fall asleep in their seats wanting to beat them to death with their guitars. Now Andy has a girlfriend. I might see him once a month.

Everybody know about the basement incident. I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness and trying to look at the incident from a different perspective. In my mind forgiveness mean putting my tail between my legs and saying "You fucked me but it's okay. Please continue." In therapy I learned that forgiveness is standing up for yourself and saying "You fucked me. It's not okay but I won't let you have the power to affect me in such a negative way anymore." Sure. It sounds rational. . .

Okay. . . I'll get to the point! It's wrong of me to express such distaste for a person when I can't seem to do so to his face. If I hate him as much as I let on then why can't I tell him? Partially because I don't want to cause tension between him and Chris. Partially because I've had fun times with Andy and I probably don't hate him as much as I would like to. (Note to self; write about fun times with Andy.)

Valentine's Day Sucks

2011-02-19T05:50:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning wanting to break up with Chris. Sometimes, like I wrote in a drunken letter to a friend, I wonder if I know what love is. Can I even feel it? Perhaps I'm only capable of doing the long term relationship thing. How can I feel such disappointment and resentment so often towards someone that I love? Is this me or the depression talking? Have I spent the last two days crying, or is it the depression? I think it's a little bit of both.

It started Tuesday. . . no, it started Monday. I woke up with forgiveness on my mind even saying to myself out loud that I needed to get over my disgust with Andy. (Crazy people talk to themselves. I think verbalizing the change I need to make, especially something that I don't want to admit, makes it easier for me to accomplish thing that require humility. Admitting that I have a problem is the first step, right?) I've been putting it off but I'll write about Andy later. I did see him later that day.

I kept forgetting about Valentine's Day. Everytime someone would ask what my plans were, I would say "Oh shit! Valentine's Day is the 14th??!!" Finally, on February 14th, I searched Ann Arbor for the perfect gift. I searched downtown, uptown, almost left town. I went to seven different places. Finally, I came up with a glass pipe case, a bag each of M&M's and Reese's hearts, and a gram. Why hadn't I thought of that originally. . . because I had help. We'll talk about that later.

I know that you're not supposed to expect gifts but I was expecting a gift. Chris had been talking about my Valentine's Day gift for a week! I was excited to see what it was! I excitedly gave him his gift and when he opened it he said "Aw. I didn't get you anything. I was going run to the store and get you some chocolates but now I don't have to do that until tomorrow." Yeah. My reply: I'm glad I could save you a trip to the store. I've been pissed off since then.

Birthday Blues

2011-02-15T22:02:00.000-08:00

My birthday is in two weeks. I'm not looking forward to it... sort of. There is always a small part of me that secretly hopes this year will be awesome. I knew that birthday fun was over when Granny gave me a box of blueberry muffin mix for my 21st birthday instead of my usual German Chocolate cake with Hazelnut frosting.
Since becoming an adult,I've followed the same pattern every year:

-December I realize that my birthday is fast approaching. I start planning, telling myself that this year will be awesome.
-I spend much of January assessing my life, slowly becoming more and more depressed about my lack of accomplishments. No kids, not married, haven't finished college.
-February approaches along with a small burst of ambition. I think of ways to change for the better.
This years half-ass promises:

*I will learn acceptance and forgiveness.
*I will enroll in some sort of course whether it's for college credit or not.
*I will quit smoking.
-The final stage of the birthday blues: Any night now I'll be awakened with the realization that I haven't come through with most of my life goals. Chris will be awakened by my hysterical sobs.
-Finally, March 4th arrives. Depending on my plans for the day, I'll either be pumped or I'll supress negative emotions while secretly hoping for something awesome to happen. The last couple of years have been the latter.

Stay tuned for more birthday craziness...

Sometimes I'm Less Than Ladylike

2011-02-08T17:07:00.000-08:00

Last Thursday a homeless guy came into the pizza place. We often let homeless people come in to warm up, get a glass of water, and if they ask nicely we'll let them have a free slice. If they start bothering customers, just like anyone else, we tell them to leave.

Enter Homeless Guy. He's acting a bit strange but he doesn't seem to be bothering anyone yet. He wanders around the store for a minute, gets a glass of water, sits down for a minute. Eventually, he gets up and walks over to a group that is halfway through an extra large pie.

I watch him closely as he approaches the table. I can't hear what he is saying and the others don's seem bothered by him. Just when I'm content and let my guard down he yells "stupid bitch!" and kicks a chair over. "Hey!" I yell. "if you're not going to buy anythingthen you need to leave!"

He looks at me, face contorted, and says "Shut up and get back to work before I knock your fucking face off bitch!" I'm about to respond to his threat as he stares off into the distance and starts eerily laughing at some unseen presence and walks out.

We decided on pizza and beer for dinner Sunday evening. On my way to work I stopped at The Beer Depot. As I walked up to the front door of the store, I noticed a familiar DVD in the door window. Still angered by Thursday night, I walk quickly to the door and shove it open. I walk through the door without checking to see if he jumped out of the way or not. I feel a little guilty.

A Little About Mercutio

2011-02-04T04:49:00.000-08:00

This is Mercutio

Born May of 2000

Likes:

*Attention

*Naps on your shoes

*More attention

*Chupacabra

Dislikes:

*Being held

*Small enclosed spaces

*Small children; because they get all of the attention

He goes by many aliases

*Fatty

*The Other One

*Lunchbox

His favorite person

Anticipation

2011-02-03T07:25:00.000-08:00

No television intro has brought a little girl so much anticipation and joy. . .

Except, maybe, this. . .

Lego Guy Fun

2011-01-30T02:39:00.000-08:00

This is what happens when your children leave their toys at the pizza place for the bored cashier to find.